Hazwan Norly

Secrets of The Poetic Puppet

2009-10-26T10:10:00.003+08:00

As some of you guys might notice, I've not been updating a lot. Well, let's just say there has been stuff going on and I don't really feel like blogging. But just so you know, I've been subjecting myself to the emotions box a lot and taking out quite a bit of words from it too. I've been visiting a lot of waterfalls and volcanoes lately. Sometimes I feel like just closing this blog but then again I can always turn it into something else. So... I think I'll just be posting up my works from now on. Just random poems, songs, doodles, photoshops, photos, etc. Which brings me to why I'm even visiting this page. I've just written a new poem in malay. I don't know if it's good but I'm sure it'll pull some strings.

Melayu 2009

Sudah biasa bergolak dengan dosa

Sudah berkawan dengan musuhnya

Melayu 2009

Sudah hilang jati dirinya

Sudah tiada bangganya

Melayu 2009

Sudah sesat pemahamannya

Sudah tiada gemilang bahasanya

Melayu 2009

Sudah terputus ikatan Islamnya

Sudah tertulis kontrak dengan iblisnya

Melayu 2009

Yang sudah tu sejarahnya

Yang kekal semangat panglimanya

Yang bangga nama sahaja

Yang susah penyakitnya

Bagaimana dengan melayu seterusnya pula?

-Muhammad Hazwan Norly

Up Stage!

2009-10-02T21:39:00.004+08:00

Everyone who understands malay should go for this show in celebration of the month of Hari Raya, Syawal. It is the first time Sang Singa Purba Malay Performing Arts will be staging such an event and for me I see it as our fresh baked cookie. Last year, Sang Singa Purba did not stage its annual event called Muzikarama, leaving the Cubs with no stage experience. Now the Cubs are Young Lions and some are in the new committee. After going through several workshops and the SiNOPSiS event, the Young Lions are now prepared to have this show and actually are proud to provide their own Cubs a chance to perform.

I think this is a win win situation. You come for this Muzikaraya show, then we'll get funds to do another show at the end of the year; our much awaited and due Muzikarama show. Now, I'm actually reminiscing on the past and on PN08. Singing the songs makes me happy but at the same time sad because I miss it so much. I really hope we could stage that. Because truthfully, it's one of the most beautiful script I've ever laid my eyes and hands on. Therefore, you guys would get to watch 2 great shows this year. :D Ouh and if you're wondering what is PN08, you'll have to wait for it to be staged first. ;)

Tangisan Syawal

2009-09-21T13:45:00.002+08:00

The title could probably make a good title for a Suria drama. hahahaha. But yeah. You guys should watch Kalimah Terakhir. It's on Suria now. Good stuff. heh.

"Siape ade sakit jantung, standby eh."

Hey!

Di sini ada melayu

Di sini ada

Kau dan Aku

Kerna...

2009-09-18T14:31:00.003+08:00

I prefer his version than the original singer's version. Hmm..

Press The Bloody Button

2009-09-17T17:05:00.002+08:00

I am getting really bored of my blog. It's been this way since god knows when. I want a change of skin but I forgot how to do the codes now and I don't want to just randomly pick something of blogskins.com because I want it to be a work of my own. I mean, I still remember when I first created this simple blog layout, I was so proud. It was my own you know. It was like buying a scrapbook which looked exactly like all the other scrapbooks everyone else bought but drawing stuff on the cover, pasting pictures and stuff like that. It had my mark. It was mine to doodle and to write whatever was in my mind (or heart). I feel like if I used someone else's blog layout, it wouldn't be mine to write in. Yeah, I know I think too much about these things but that's just how I am. So wait for this a change of layouts soon. I will be racking my brain for inspiration and getting people to help me with it.

Ouh yeah, my mum now knows I smoke. Great.

Just a Quickie For Me

2009-09-13T18:46:00.002+08:00

I realise it's been sometime since my last Hari Raya advertisement post. Well, since I'm waiting for buke to start, I just thought of doing a quickie (no puns intended). This one is quite sad too but not as sad as the previous ones. Oh and don't worry, not all Hari Raya advertisements are sad. Some of them are pretty hilarious. So watch this space if you want to see more within this last week of puasa!

Sluurrrpppp

2009-09-10T22:30:00.002+08:00

Wow. I really didn't expect my eyes to water just now but it did. I guess memories of the past do hurt a lot. I realised a few things today: 1) I'm a cynical hypocritical bastard 2) I'm still depressed but I'm taking it all in like a cigarette 3) We're in need of a laid back, 100% truthful confession session.

I realise that when I don't get enough sleep, I don't get cranky. I'll be this cynical person who is just spiteful about everything. I can be cynical about everything there is but once I meet my friends, poof everything is gone. Well, not really. I just put a smile on my face without even trying to. It's sad how I'm getting used to that.

I know I shouldn't be one to say I'm depressed but then again, what other word can explain the state I'm in? I don't know. Sometimes I think the less people you meet, the lesser the chances of getting hurt when they leave. Wouldn't it be nice if you could save emotions in a bottle? I mean separate the good ones from the horrible ones. The good ones are for you to feel happy and the bad ones are for you to remind yourself never to make the same mistake. But the catch is you can't feel anything else than the ones in your heart. Meaning if you took out love and kept hatred, you'll never be able to love but only hate. Interesting isn't it?

And just before we left for PSP Iftar just now, I realised I miss the confession sessions of so long ago. Just being truthful to each other and letting it all out. I miss the relief of letting go. I miss feeling relief. I never feel relief for letting something go anymore. Or maybe I never do. Hmm....

Cleaning out the old box

2009-09-10T02:24:00.003+08:00

"You know what? I think you are one of the reasons I'm turning into an angry kid. After you came back, I thought I would never have to touch my written diary anymore; the diary filled with my overflowing emotions about your absence. For so many weeks or months maybe we've not talked even online and now it seems I don't see if you're online, I just check if you're still offline. It saves me the bitterness of being disappointed. (removed some sentences due to inappropriateness)

Thanks. Seriously. Thanks for calling me that night of so long ago and giving me hope that reached pluto in a day. Thanks for now my wishes upon the stars have been for you but none have came true. Thanks for now I miss you so badly but I have a feeling you don't at all. Thanks for showing me how much you care."

I found this somewhere and I can't (or don't want to maybe) remember who it was for or when it was written. Somehow I feel like I'm getting used to losing things. I read somewhere about the anatomy of losing a wallet. I've lost a wallet every year in secondary school and I remember the fear of telling my parents about it. I remember whining about all the things I've lost in that wallet; precious photos, money, transport card, etc. But I can't help realising that after losing so many things, I'm getting used to knowing I won't get any of them back.

Like recently, I lost my Billabong pencil case and I didn't even realise it but when I did, I was already making plans of getting a new one or not getting one at all. I realise that I like that pencil case and I realise I hold on to such small things dearly. I remember just last week I thought I lost my phone and instead of panicking, I was busy preparing myself of how to tell my parents about it and how to contact people without a handphone because I wasn't planning on replacing my sim card.

I don't know but I think the word 'replace' stings my heart like biting into an ulcer three times. Oh well, marshmallows always have expiry dates. I guess it's just one more thing I have to get used to not being around (although I've tried and failed badly).

I want a pet cat and I shall name it Luna.

Lullaby

2009-09-06T14:56:00.005+08:00

Just felt like putting an old work up.

Één twee drie,

Sluit uw ogen gaat naar slaap,

Denkt aan sterren en bloemen,

Om vooruit morgen te kijken...

Saccharine. I love saying that word. It just rolls of your tongue. I like it when you say the word the meaning follows suit. And one good effect that comes with saying the word is that memories associated to that word comes rolling along to say 'Hi!'. I guess that's why I spent my time this morning reading history not yet photographed. I don't know why but a lullaby is playing in my head but ironically I don't want to sleep because I want to keep hearing it. The best part? It comes in three different languages and has been in my drawer all this time.

Saccharine Cookie Dough

2009-09-05T18:30:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was fcuking awesome! Training was somewhat good and the iftar was greatttt. Satu satu perngai B-A-D-A-K + G-E-M-U-K. I ate so much my tummy was like so big. But I think all the fats were burned away when we went geylang after that and stuff. I was so tired I fell asleep in the bus. -__- But I really had an awesome time with them. I can't wait for the next SSP training because insya'Allah we're gonna get to know who are gonna play the characters. I realy hope everything works out and a venue would drop from the heavens. Darn. Never mind, just think positive!

Back to Basics

2009-09-04T02:34:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I'm kinda at a lost for words why I love music so much. But tonight, I'm reminded again. You know when you hear your friend's self-written and self-composed songs, it just inspires you so much. This is especially when the lyrics are written so beautifully. I'm at a lost for words because the only ones in my head are what I'm writing now and the lyrics of my friend's recently composed song. Seriously, I'm thankful to god that it's these people who help me kinda forget about the little depressions in life and look at the bright side for once. I just thought of something ironic; sometimes (or most times) sober songs are the ones that make me look at the bright side. Hmm... Is it the same for you?

Just a LIttle Bit

2009-09-02T01:41:00.002+08:00

I am now a fan of Lykke Li's awesomely cute voice and songs. I realise my blog has been full of videos these few days. I wonder why. Hmm... I realise I like to decipher the meanings of songs. It's interesting to try and figure out what random things cause the writer to come up with something awesome (kening naik naik).

Sometimes I think that people should look at things from all different aspects before choosing the right decision for themselves or for others. Okay wait, I think that should be done all the time. However, too much thinking is also not good. I mean you gotta execute it if not thinking about it is no use. Hmm... how contradicting. I think humans are the most contradicting living organisms on Earth. Is it because of our mental capacity and opposable thumbs? How weird. Justice thinks the bad should be good and Evil thinks the good should be bad. This is heavily apparent in terms of aurat and praying. Like sometimes people are annoyed with others who emphasize the importance of proper covering of aurat. In contrast, the religious so to speak can be annoyed at the ones who do not fulfill the basic requirements of aurat. The worst type would probably be on the issue of humility. I mean, when someone is humble, people think they're just doing it for show and question the person's genuineness but when the person is not exercising humility, others will criticize him/her badly for it. So what does the world want? Or should I say what do we humans want?

Just something me and Huda were talking about on the way to bazaar geylang just now. You guys should ponder about it before making judgement next time.

Pakcik Boleh Balik...

2009-09-01T00:47:00.001+08:00

Another touching video relating to Hari Raya. Enjoy. :)

Creepy Serial Killer

2009-08-29T18:16:00.002+08:00

I think this is a very good film animation. I really like the story line and I think it's very creepy in a way.

ready, set, Go-block!

2009-08-27T22:16:00.003+08:00

I love this song. It's nice and the lyrics are soo simple yet so meaningful. :)

1, 2, 3

2009-08-25T23:32:00.004+08:00

All of a sudden I'm remembering a song from a certain script I've not read in almost a year. I really miss reading it. Once the exams are over, I think I'll read it again. Anyway, the main purpose why I'm blogging again is that I just have to put up this other video. Yet another Hari Raya advertisement for Petronas. I think I'll start posting more of such videos or maybe artworks in other forms in relation to Hari Raya this ramadhan.

Honey Stars

2009-08-25T21:51:00.003+08:00

Before I ate the marshmallow, I read the ingredients. I found out that all the marshmallows look the same. But why does these marshmallows taste so differently from the other kinds? I reach into the bag and out pops a honey star.

Okay I have no idea what is going on in my head now. I can't even fathom what my heart is telling me. It's a whole mother load of jargon, just like Legal Systems and Contracts. One look at those photos and things started to go blur. I don't know what marshmallows are thinking or feeling nowadays. I wonder if marshmallows even know I like eating them although they are starting to taste a little bitter. Then I really look at those photos and then all these little bulbs of lost light start to appear. I have stars in my presence. I'm happy to see the marshmallows in that pure white state, undisturbed and happy. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to see others happy or I just don't want myself to be because sadness gives me an excuse to eat more marshmallows. I see so many stars now but I pick out the stray honey star from the bag of marshmallows and pop it in my mouth. A little confusion wouldn't hurt.

Although this makes as much sense as the tooth fairy paying kids for baby teeth (seriously, who would want a house full of old baby teeth) I know there's a meaning in there somewhere because I know my heart never lies.

In Living Memory

2009-08-22T18:37:00.002+08:00

I know I'm supposed to be studying now but I stumbled upon this advertisement by Allahyarhama Yasmin Ahmad. Since it's the first day of Ramadhan, I thought I'd like to share it with whoever reads my blog.

Marshmallow

2009-08-20T23:16:00.003+08:00

Every time I'm feeling sad, angry or emotional about chocolates I shall say marshmallow out loud because marshmallows are sweet and soft but does not blacken my teeth. Furthermore, I can eat it with hot milo which is like eating it with chocolate in liquid form just that it makes me feel like crapping if I drink it in the morning. Under the stars stuck in their routine twinkling, my thoughts are wondering into the dreamy atmosphere of a coffee house and I'm sitting there cuddled next to you. But then, your tears trickle down your cheek and fall on my head as I hug you closer. You smile but I know you're not happy. That's why you should always eat marshmallows when your sad; because they're soft and sweet but does not blacken your teeth.

Darn.

2009-08-19T13:38:00.000+08:00

By wickedwretch via Deviantart.com

Once again, I'm finding myself on the verge of tears and hating the world. And you know what sucks? This time I feel twice as 'lonely' even though a certain person is a call away. I wish there was a manual for human emotions. One that people like me who is struggling for a freaking diploma so that he could survive in the future can understand.

I need to decode your heart because I realised something while I was thinking of you. I need to know what lies in the cryptic swirls of your heart. I have no real excuse now and it sucks. I find myself thinking and feeling 1001 things at a time and wondering just 1: are you thinking and feeling as much? Then I'd have the cynical, hateful voice in my head saying: I doubt so. Why is it so hard to talk to you now? Can someone please give me secret codeword that would make everything clear.

Yeah, just like humans to want a cheatcode for life.

What happened to you Muhammad Hazwan Bin Norly?

Decode - Paramore

How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time.

Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
Not this time.

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
(My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah.
But how did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.

Yeah.Yeah.

How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
I think I know.
I think I know.

There is something I see in you.
It might kill me.
I want it to be true.

Sadden Stories

2009-08-17T21:54:00.002+08:00

I don't know why but I think karma is here to get me and get me good. I was just laughing a lot just now but right now I feel sad. Okay maybe it's about the thing that has been in my mind since last week. But maybe it's also about this Suria show playing right now. It's about Ramadhan stories. It's not really about blatant sad stories but the soberness is found somewhere in between the cryptic characters. Darn. The thought is not exiting my head. It can't. For some reason being 'lonely' in my condition right now is even more sad than it would have been last year. Hmm... who says making a new friend would make you less lonely? (Especially when the friend has not been talking to you).

p.s. Don't ask me who or guess. I'd rather keep this to myself. Maybe that's my mistake but oh well.

Discovering Power

2009-08-09T19:15:00.005+08:00

By LilFairie, deviantart

Sometimes I find myself wondering who came up with words and how did it develop to the variety we have now. I mean, have you seen the size of a new edition dictionary? And the font size isn't big either. The person who sat beside me think that probably greek people came up with words since a lot of english words come from greek people. But seriously, who decided sex would be a word to describe well... sex? And who decided gay would be a word to describe happiness and at the same time homosexuality? I swear it baffles me how people like 10000000000000 years ago decide this kind of stuff. Imagine cavemen deciding "urganuga" to be a word describing "OMG! RUN! A DINOSAUR IS GONNA EAT US!". It's so weird that so many words have been created and amazingly people actually write nice songs with these random sounds which happen to rhymes, be metaphoric or direct in nature and goes with a nice rhythm.

I don't know what you people think but I get inspired by the thought of it. I think words in its own is an inspiration; to put meaning to something so that you could tell people what your thinking or feeling and hopefully inspire them. I think words shouldn't be interpreted in one way either. It removes it's ambiguity. Sometimes it's just more fun to figure out the message behind the words of a song rather than being told what it is. Somehow I think songwriting and poetry is like Murakami books; they're so abstract. Maybe that's why I like Murakami books.

by EdgeOfDarkness, Deviantart

Eyes and Voices

2009-08-07T15:58:00.002+08:00

There are a lot of things going on in my mind. Again. This is getting really annoying. I think I'm getting annoyed at my own mood swings. I can never fathom why I ever liked being this way but I can't deny that I still like it this way. I know it's confusing but then again, it's between me and Allah s.w.t. I think I'm missing someone really badly but who exactly I don't know. Trust me, I don't. I'm getting a headache (and a heart ache too).

One thing that popped up in my head yesterday while I was reading the biography of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. was my significance. Or rather the wonder of what my significance is. There are so many names in the book. For example, there's a Yusuf Dhu Nawas who was kinda like Hitler. He ordered for the christians to be thrown into a large hole of fire. The irony is that we also have Nabi Yusuf who was one of the prophets of Islam. Don't worry, they're totally different people. If I'm not wrong, Yusuf Dhu Nawas was not really practicing the Islam we practice now. Okay, what I'm wondering is: what about me? I mean there has to be like tons of 'Muhammad Hazwan's in history. There's bound to be bad ones and good ones too. So what about me? What am I gonna do that people (at least people who know me) would remember about when I die? Just something I like to ponder about. I mean I have 2 main paths to choose and I only have one lifetime to choose it.

Darn. That's like only one of the things bothering me. This sucks. Ouh and the significance of the picture above is... well I don't know. I just felt like searching for a girl in burqa. All I know is, I like her eyes. I wonder if there's supposed to be meaning behind every single thing. Hmm...

Fuck.

2009-08-04T23:54:00.002+08:00

You know what I don't like? When someone you're having a good conversation with on the world's popular online messaging tool (MSN) and the person just goes offline. It's like flying so high up in the sky, then suddenly falling because your wings got clipped off. This applies even if the person comes back online or the reason behind the sudden 'sign out' is because their internet got cut off. It makes me wonder. I don't like to wonder about such stuff.

This is one of the petty things about me. haha.

Late Night Songs And Rememberance

2009-08-02T02:07:00.002+08:00

I'm watching Gubra from the start since I missed it yesterday other than the endings. I'm currently at the part where Orked and her husband are driving to the hospital to visit her dad at the hospital. It's the very beginning of the film and I almost cried. I suddenly remembered the shit feeling I got when I first watched the movie, when I listened to that conversation in the car. For a lot of reasons I could relate to the conversation so much. So much that the shit feeling is returning. I really really... *sigh*. I need to... *sigh*. I'm caught in a trap I don't want to get out of. How could I when the trap is something that makes me feel so... happy and sad at same time. It's bittersweet and that's the way I like it I guess. Or maybe because that's how the trap usually works. Ya Allah, maafkanlah segala dosa-dosa aku dan berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengharungi segala dugaan yang akan aku hadapi kerana aku... kerana aku... *sigh*.

Losing Inspiration? Nope.

2009-07-31T23:54:00.002+08:00

Watching the last part of Gubra just now almost made me cry. Seriously, I think the show has impacted me a lot when I first saw it. Somehow, when the credits came rolling, I kinda felt sad that there wont be anymore Allahyarhama Yasmin Ahmad films. You know I can't wait to actually go for a movie marathon and watch all her films. If Muallaf came on DVD, I'd buy it then lets go cheebo kiddos! hahah.

But I realise that the death of someone that has impacted your life, will inspire you even more than when he/she is alive. It's not the same as you starting to like Michael Jackson only after his death because everyone else seems to express remorse so why not you. It's like you've been liking Michael Jackson and have been following him since you were a kid, like a childhood story book. It's the same with Allahyarhama Yasmin Ahmad. Although I only got interested in her films when I saw Muallaf (which resulted in me finding her other films like Gubra and Mukhsin), I really got inspired by her blatant messages in her films. It's those kind of things you're really itching to say but you don't because it's a little rude once you think about it. But then again, the truth can only be set across as rude sometimes.

Deng, I feel like watching Gubra and Mukhsin again and hopefully watch Sepet. I've never watched Sepet (amazingly). I hope I can watch it soon.

Paramore - The Non-halal Paralal

2009-07-29T00:28:00.001+08:00

This is the best new song I've heard this week. And it's by Paramore! woot!

On Wings of Steel

2009-07-27T21:40:00.003+08:00

You know what I really want? I really want to go backpacking around Europe with my closest friends; with the cheebo kiddos and the cancer group. I want to just go on a holiday there and discover myself and explore and learn more. I really want to experience life there. I think I'm partly influenced by watching Yuna's videos but yeah she's another person that has inspired me so regardless of what people might say about her. I can relate to her songs so much and I think a lot of teens can. Hmm... I can't wait to get this plan of mine going. Insya'allah it will come true.

And you know what? I wanna start planning to start my very own recording and jamming studio. I think I'll start with the jamming studio first and develop it further into a recording studio. But first I need to gain some knowledge under my belt and some cash wouldn't hurt. So my plan now is to pay more attention in Law lectures and really work hard to get a good diploma, insya'allah go to university and then get a good job to support my plans. As soon as I think I'm ready, have some money and understand the important things to know about starting your own business, I'd go ahead. I think it's a good idea because I think music is timeless. There are even kids now listening to old school songs by The Beatles and The Wonders and I would really like to provide a place for people who are really passionate about music to achieve their goals, to exploit their creativity. I would really love to give people the pleasure of hearing that first song you record. I think if my plans work out, I'd be a very happy man. I mean who wouldn't be happy making other people happy with the things you yourself are passionate about?

Stop

2009-07-26T23:29:00.002+08:00

I haven't been inspired to write a blog entry in days and I'm only writing this just because. I realise I hate it when my Ipod dies when I'm alone because there's nothing to stop me from thinking (whether I'm thinking too much into something or not). I feel so damn... yeah, damned. There are so many things that I want to accomplish in life and I don't know if I can accomplish it.

There's someone in my list of msn friends who isn't talking to me whether intentionally or not. I know he has work to do but today is a Sunday - his off day. Not once did he say hi whether through sms or through msn. It sucks to know he has a problem but he doesn't want to share it with me. It sucks that I can actually feel the large age gap between us. It sucks that he is one of the dearest friend I have and yet I can't even listen to his qualms. I don't expect much but now I'm actually questioning the meaning of the words you said when we first got back in contact. I might be thinking too much but that's why your a close friend.

On the way home today I imagined a story painted with me as the main character, surrounded all by familiar faces but one. That one particular face had a body of a girl in a summer dress with medium length hair. That same girl I didn't even know the identity was foreign to me yet I still feel so close to her and she was close to me. I was holding a cigarette which she took from my hand, stubbed it and threw it away as her tears dripped from her chin to my sand covered hands. I coughed a loud cough and my chest felt like I swallowed a hand full of pins. My head was spinning and my vision was turning black. But just for a second before I realise I was staring at her now and she was crying even more. She stood up and walked away leaving me there. One by one, my friends started to vanish. I scrambled to my feet and ran for her. She buried her face in her hands which I tried to pry. I gave up after awhile and just hugged her close feeling her warmth on my chest. For some reason, I was crying too.

See what I mean by thinking too much? So much for not being inspired to write a blog entry.

Hais... Today seems to be quite a grim day. I can't believe Yasmin Ahmad passed away. Those who've seen her films, understood and felt her message would know how saddening it is not to have her with us anymore. I never foresaw myself getting this affected but I am. I loved all her films and honestly, I cried watching some of them. She's a big inspiration whenever I'm thinking of a story to write or an idea for a film for my project. I really like the impression she's given me and I hope that God will forgive all her sins. Whoever can, please donate the surah Al-Fateha to this person who has inspired us so. May she rest in peace.

I am optimistic and sentimental to the point of being annoying, especially to people who think that being cynical and cold is cool. Everyday, I thank Allah for everyday things like the ability to breathe, the ability to love, the ability to laugh, and the ability to eat and drink. - Allahyarhama Yasmin Ahmad, taken from her blog: The Storyteller (now without one).

Here, Here

2009-07-22T00:11:00.002+08:00

I feel so... inspired tonight. For some reason there are tons of things I want to do. One of the best things that happened today was that I actually danced with the SSP people today. As in I joined their rehearsals for this Saturday's performance for Clap! @ Khatib. It was major fun. It was the first time I volunteered to do it and I don't regret it. :D

Another thing I'm really really craving to do is to do a cover with Sheilah. I'm craving to do a cover with her so badly. This wish shared by both of us I think has been put off since god knows when. I really hope it'll be as soon as we have time. I really want to write a song with her too. In fact, I really wanna come up with something 'Random Awesome'. Just open up my mind, and write a song about something I really care about and hopefully something happy.

I think having SSP training just now really adjusted my mood a lot. Like seriously. Alhamdulillah. :) But then again, I don't really have to mourn over not seeing a certain someone I've not met or talked to in months already. So I guess that helped a lot. But... okay nevermind. I shall remain happy, at least for now. :D

Splash!

2009-07-13T12:31:00.005+08:00

Random splash of... inspiration? I wrote this in lecture thus the first line. haha.

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Tidur lah

Tidur bertemankan kesunyian

Sunyi bertemankan kegelapan

Gelap bertemankan kehampaan

Nangis, nangis, nangis

Mata penat menangis

Minda penat berfikir

Hati penat terguris

Hey budak lelaki!

Tegaskan lah diri, keraskan hati

Tak penat kah putus lagi?

Tak nak kah bersuka ria

bergembira

Seperti dahulu lagi?

Dahulu?

Tidak, tak ingin lagi

Oh bayang-bayang yang suka menghantui

Pergilah kau dari sini

Tak bosan kah lihat ku menangis lagi?

Goodnight kiss

2009-07-13T00:42:00.000+08:00

I wonder if I'm meant to torture myself or is am I doing this to myself? hmmm...

Ink Blots on Paper

2009-07-12T18:00:00.001+08:00

This is open to interpretation.

Anggota Keluargaku

Ayah
Kerana nama aku hormat
Kerana bengis aku malas
Kerana kamu aku bahagia

Ibu
Kerana diam aku keseorangan
Kerana tangisanmu aku resah
Kerana kamu aku bahagia

Kakak
Kerana garang aku diam
Kerana takut aku hampa
Kerana kamu aku bahagia

Nenek
Kerana manja aku berani
Kerana dewasa aku rimas
Kerana kamu aku bahagia

Bahagia, bahagia
Betulkah bahagia?
Jangan-jangan kau pura-pura.

Take a Bow

2009-07-08T21:26:00.002+08:00

I shall take a break from my normally depressing posts and just say thank you. Thank you very much for nominating me as the vice chief and truth be told, I'm really excited to work with my fellow vice chief: Fiza. And I am really glad that Ida will be our chief, guiding us along the way. It was a good move to renominate her as the chief. And I wanna congratulate everyone for whatever posts they've got and hopefully we will make SSP taller, stronger, better than before (macam penah dengar jerrr. heh. quote from the song Taller, Stronger, Better). I hope you guys will be able to put whatever happened behind us so that we can start afresh. Insya'allah we will roar at the end of our time, confident that we've done a good job as the committee. May God help us and guide us along the way. Amin.

Switch!

2009-07-08T01:17:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how you can be all hopefull and happy for a moment and then find yourself lost in despair later on. Reading my history books brought back the sorrow. In a way, I'm glad the sorrow came back because the sorrow is only a byproduct of the emotion i feel. I've grown to love it. Although the hole in my chest bleeds even worse once I look away from the cryptic words in the black book of mine to realise it, I secretly feel a sense of relief for its return. The sorrow is... liberating yet disintegrating. It liberates my heart but at the same time, disintegrates it like water on sand - slowly but surely. I know I'll survive it though, I have to. But with my friends, I could probably live with just a fraction of my heart left.

I guess I should say thank you Allah for my destiny. Thank You for whatever things good and bad that has happened to me. They've opened up my eyes so much that tears are falling every now and then. But insya'allah I'll be able to live to serve you so that I'll be ready to die to meet you again. Insya'allah. Ya Allah, give me strength. I beg you not to take my friends away. They are my only source of happiness. Amin.

Excuse Me Sir, You Don't Even Know Me

2009-07-06T09:00:00.002+08:00

Saturday was spent with SSP people for Perlumbaan Menakjubkan SangSingaPurba 2009. It sounds like some category for Anugerah Planet Muzik. Anyway, it was an uber fun amazing race planned out by the senior lions for everyone. My teammates were Zad, Fiza, Saiful and Idah slimz (hahaha). It was a nice event despite the running and the games yang kurang ajar. I hated the rubix cube part. So annoying. hahaa. Had so much fun that it pained me to leave as soon as it was over rather than stay with them. I think that would have been a better choice instead of rushing home to get ready to go to my cousin's house. Because then it won't mean I would have to go out with my family and it won't mean me crying myself to sleep that night.

Seriously, isn't it sad that I feel more love and happiness with and from my friends rather than my own flesh and blood? I don't understand. I know I don't have family problems like other people where they don't allow you to be with your friends, beating you, restricting you, etc, but I realise that I don't even feel loved by my own parents, especially my dad. I feel like my parents are the biggest hypocrite on Earth who think that everything they say is right. And I fucking hate it when my dad attempts to support his point by saying that his friend told him so. And he calls me a robot who can't think for himself. It sucks that my family don't even know about me and I doubt they'll even bother to make the effort. At least me and my sister are getting closer a little due thanks to her picking up the guitar but she is still a big a hypocrite as my parents.

Papa

When I was a kid you meant the world to me

I couldn't spend a day without hugging you

I couldn't stand seeing you go

Papa

Now that I'm older how come I can't stand being around you?

How come I despise every word you say?

How come finally your words about this 'ugly duckling' finally got to me?

Papa

Why do I always have to conform to what people think?

Why do I have so many traits you don't know about?

Why do I have to light a cigarette before going home?

Papa

How come you can't accept me for who I am?

How come I feel like you're ashamed of me?

How come you make me feel ashamed of myself?

Papa

How come you always make feel like running away?

How come you make me feel like you're the knight in shining armour

And I'm just the rust in your metallic shoes?

Papa, Oh Papa

I think I've lost a family

I think I've lost the love

I think it might have been gone for awhile

But I've just realised it now

So I guess the goodbyes came earlier than expected

Poems to Strangers

2009-07-02T22:08:00.004+08:00

I don't know why. It's been months now and my head is still playing the same slideshow of photos. As if I'll ever get sick of something like that. I'll never get sick of it because I love it too much. It sucks though to write poems to someone whom you feel you've lost. To talk to yourself and expect every moment that the someone will reply although you know that wouldn't happen. You hope and hope and hope.

Hope.

Something I think I'm losing. A lot of times I feel like I'm losing the faith I once had. It's scary when I think of it. I mean, once you lose believe in things then everything would be so pointless wouldn't it? To think of it, believes are what make you want to cram that extra information in your head for the tests, to stand up for the ones you love, to work for that goal you want and a lot of things in this world. They should bottle up believes, faith and hope in a jar so that every time you need them, you can just take one out and bite on it like a cookie.

I realise I hate my dreams this few days. They're but blatant expressions of the swirls in my head and heart. It makes me feel like something has been torn out of my chest to the point where sometimes I wake up crying. Good grief (ironic as it is), I realise I've been crying a lot now. It's always at random moments of when I'm in the train alone, trying to sleep, in my dreams or when I wake up. Mostly it happens when I'm alone and my mind starts to make the photos in my head a little bit more crisp. I think the dream I had on Wednesday morning (it was some time pass 2am when I woke up) really did it though. If I hadn't been trying to study for the day's test, I wouldn't have a strong enough motivation to distract me, again believe playing it's role.

You know what my advice would be? To myself in the future and to whoever wants to receive it, be sure of what you want whenever possible, regardless of how old you are. Because if you realise that you made the wrong decision somewhere along the lines, then it might be just too late for you to take it back and you find yourself regretting. I hate regret. I don't think any of you people like it either.

Orang Melayu

2009-07-01T21:08:00.002+08:00

Something that stroke a chord in me just a few minutes ago: orang melayu suke sangat percayekan bomoh. Gunekan akal sendiri tak boleh. Nak pass driving test, mintak air, nak dapat jodoh, mintak air jampi... Something like that lah. Such a... good stereotype. I know my generation of people most likely don't practice going to the bomoh (or witch doctor) for stuff like "jodoh" but seriously, I think the lesson that can be applied here is that to be persistent in whatever you do and don't always result to the easiest method of solving a problem.

It's funny how I'm always amazed with my own culture but puzzled with it also.

Choices, choices

2009-06-26T21:28:00.002+08:00

How do you decide between silent suffering and damning your life? Hmm...

Should I say Goodbye, radioantenna?

2009-06-24T12:25:00.002+08:00

I love their cover of the song. It's so beautiful. The lyrics of the song are simple but they're really meaningful and the sound of the violin is just amazing. The violin and the guitar compliment each other so well.

Oh yeah, I wonder if I should delete this blog or change the url. I wonder if my blog should be exclusive to those close to me so that I can just say whatever I want. But then again, sometimes being public is good. Hmm... the difficulty of having a blog; prioritize emotions or controversy.

Thanks for the Memories

2009-06-24T11:31:00.003+08:00

Dear broken hearted girl,

I'm sorry it had to end this way but I knew this was coming sooner or later. It just had to be sooner. I'm sorry that the relationship has been killing you but somewhere along the lines, I got numb. I don't know why but somewhere, maybe after what happened during the first week of holidays, I didn't really heal myself. Maybe because of that, because of the scar, I started to lose it slowly without me knowing. This entire relationship, all I ever did was mistakes and I'll always blame myself for the end. But hey, I enjoyed it while it lasted, before I became numb, before I couldn't read your eyes anymore, before I felt like holding your hand was a privilege I couldn't have anymore (this was way before yesterday). I feel like I'm not good enough for you long ago. And I realise that you don't need me. You need someone else, someone better; Someone who's not broken inside too. You need someone who can be strong for the both of you, I failed in that section. Like I told you before, this happy kid others see is just my own mask because I have never felt the need to let people empathise or sympathise for me. I guess you need someone whose insides aren't jumbled up in hopeless gray swirls. I'm not saying you're not good enough for me, just that I'm not good enough for you, not now, not ever. A broken hammer cannot repair a broken chair. So I guess, I'll wish you luck with whoever you get as your next one. Insya'allah you will and he'll be better.

Your broken hearted jerk.

Thanks For the Memories

I'm gonna make it bend and break
(It sent you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show...
(Let the good times roll)
(Let the good times roll)

And I want these words to make things right
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life,
"Who does he think he is?"
If that's the worst you got
Better put your fingers back to the keys

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you, only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
Is always cloudy except for
(Except for)
When you look into the past
(Look into the past)
One night stand...
(One night stand off)

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you only sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

They say
I only think in the form of crunching numbers
In hotel rooms collecting page six lovers
Get me out of my mind
And get you out of those clothes
I'm a liner away
From getting you into the mood
Whoa

One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"He, he tastes like you only sweeter"!

[Chorus]
One night and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great;
"He tastes like you but sweeter"!
One night, yeah, and one more time (One more night, one more time)
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories;
"See, he tastes like you only sweeter"!

A Bad End to a Good Day

2009-06-21T22:48:00.003+08:00

A few days ago, a random passerby whom I realised was from my course (Singapore Polytechnic Diploma in Media and Communications) asked me in lieu of an interview she had to do for an article: You know how Singaporeans are migrating to other countries? How do you feel the country could allow its citizens to be more patriotic?

My answer? It was to give Singaporeans a reason not to leave and improve Singapore's service sector to match or be better than that of other countries. But after today, I realise the answer from the bottom of my heart is to decrease the nastiness of Singaporeans and tone down on first impressions.

Why? Because of what happened in the train when I was on the way to meet a couple of friends at Tampines. A father was sitting in the seat across me with his young child. I slept through most of the journey because I had a tiring day running around shooting photos for an event in the wast and to add on, I was hungry. So when the train reached Bedok, my friend beside me left because he was too tired to join me and my friends. But before he left I pleaded for him to give me the curry puff he brought back from the event because my stomach was grumbling. Being a nice fellow, he did pass me the curry puffs in a nice little plastic bag before he left.

So when the doors closed and I was sitting alone in the 'couple seat', I took a curry puff and stuff it in my mouth to ease my stomach. I was already on my second curry puff when I noticed this chinese guy sitting on the floor close to me talking to himself. The guy has been sitting there talking to himself all the way from Jurong East.

Then the boy from earlier on spoke up and asked his dad: "Daddy, is he talking to himself? Why is he talking to himself?"

I smiled in amusement at this because if I were the dad I simply wouldn't know what to answer and I'd probably come up with some funny reason. However this dad in particular told him an answer I was quite shocked with. He said while deliberately and blatantly pointing at my face: "He's asking him (he's referring to me) to stop eating" Oh and he didn't do it with a smile either, he gave me a stare that communicated this: "You are nobody and I am better than you. You are doing something wrong and thus I have the right to do or say anything I want to tarnish your emotions or ego in public because the law is definitely on my side."

I was already done with that second curry puff and was sitting there with my stomach protesting for me to eat one more. I was in utter shock and I kept looking for other places to look at till I reached Tanah Merah. This was when I decided that I shall eat another curry puff to see if he'll do anything about it. I mean, he didn't exactly ask me nicely thus being a rebellious teenager I had to rebel. What happened next made my heart race with so much anger and disbelief that till now it still is.

His son saw me eating the curry puff and looked up at his dad. I was looking out the window and was not making my little experiment obvious. The son went on and asked his dad: "Daddy, is he staring at you?"

I held my ground and kept staring out the window. So the dad replied: "No. I'm staring at him." So that was my queue. I moved my gaze from the darkness of night outside to his eyes and continued chewing with my blank expression. And from there, we argued with him starting it and me ending it (but sadly, not with a controversially clever statement though). He started with a "Stop eating." I swear he looked like he was about to spit at my face.

So I said: "Nope. I'm just chewing." And he replied with a: "I don't care if you are chewing or what just stop eating." At this point I was surprise his spit wasn't already on my face. So I put whatever was left of the curry puff in its plastic bag. This was already decided when he pointed at my face before, I am going to stand up for myself because I know that eating in the train is wrong and I can be fined but that's between me and the MRT officers; he had no right to talk to me that way and he certainly didn't have any right to do what he did next.

So like I said, I kept the other half of the curry puff in its plastic bag and returned to looking at this chinese man in the eye with food in my mouth. I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything because he went ahead and said: "What? You have a problem with me issit?" So I jolly well retorted: "I didn't say I had any problem with you. If you wanted me to stop eating then why couldn't you just have told me nicely?"

And thinking that he was this righteous Singaporean (two words I now feel like I can never put together), he said: "This is a favour to you. I'm telling you to stop eating." If you were to read this, you could imagine either a blank expression or a concerned citizen one. However, he was still maintaining his hateful gaze. Even his son was waving his hand in front of his eyes to try and get his attention.

So I repeated: "Okay if it was favour then why you could have told me nicely." The sentence after this made my heart laugh in disgust. He said: "This is NOT a favour. I'm telling you to stop eating."

Sorry for this but, what a bumbling idiot. He told me that it was a favour which actually made me lie to myself and think: 'Okay lah. He's just doing it because he doesn't want me to get in trouble. Concerned citizen you know.' But then when I repeated it, he said it wasn't a favour. How nice and convenient. If world leaders were able to do that then life would be so conveniently full of problems. Send a missile with your country's name on it to another country and just say that you didn't do it. Then the world would be a place to test all your nuclear weapons.

I can't remember what I said next because I know I didn't complete my sentence. He cut me off my shouting: "Shut your bloody mouth!" Wow, 10 points on settling stuff maturely (I'm being sarcastic by the way). Right now, typing it all, I wonder how on Earth was I to react to that if it ever happens again. But I know whatever I was about to say was cut off again when he stood and continued shouting at me stuff like: "You got a problem issit? Huh? What? What? You got a problem?"

Trust me, throughout the whole thing I was sitting down and staring at him straight in the eye when I heavily felt like standing, matching his height and say: "I don't have a problem with you telling me to stop eating but I have problem with how you tell me to. And I'm just gonna stand now so that you can't look down on me anymore." But me being me, I held myself down and furthermore his son was already pulling him back telling him to stop it. But I did say this though: "I don't have a problem. Look, I'm not even the one that is standing and raising his voice."

I don't know if that got to him or his son did but he sat down anyway. I had 1000 violent and vulgar thoughts running through my head so to stop me from doing anything that might put me in the wrong, I looked away. At that point, I knew people were staring, especially this young malay couple sitting in the same cabin. I was pissed and till now the only thing that is stopping me from being pissed are my yawns.

And guess what? He didn't want to stop. I uttered to myself: "mampos." Which means die. It is often said by malays, especially the teenagers, when they find something utterly rubbish. And as soon as he saw my lips move, he raised his voice at me again and said: "What did you say?!"

At this point I gave up checking my phone to distract myself and said: "I'm talking to myself."

And he said: "Oh is that right? You're talking to yourself?" Again I'm surprised his spit wasn't on my face by then. Yes you bumbling idiot. I just said that. Do you want me to right it down on paper? Because I think even your son can fathom such simple sentences.

I didn't say that of course. I was too angry to come up with smart come backs so I settled for a: "Yes! I'm talking to myself." and continued replying a message. Ouh and I'm actually quite surprised that he sounded so much like an immature little kid next to his son. His son was telling him to stop and stuff and he was the one saying stuff like 'why should I? He's just a joker who deserves to be knocked on the head.' At that point I just muttered: WHAT THE HELL.

DingDong. It was finally Tampines station and I could alight. But guess what? He actually stood up and told his son: "He's stopping at Tampines. Come, let's go." I knew he didn't want to give it a rest because his son replied: "But daddy! We're stopping at Pasir Ris!"

Seriously, I'm wondering which is the mature human being, him or his son. If he were really to alight at Tampines, I would have gladly told him off in front of the MRT officers even though that would mean I had to admit to me eating in the train and thus causing me to get fined. So when I alighted, the malay couple alighted with me through the same door and the girl asked: "Are you alright?"

And for I don't know how long I actually could smile and say: "Yeah. I'm fine. It's okay." But obviously when I told my friend about this over the phone I was swearing with my full swear dictionary in three different languages.

This is where the part about patriotism comes in because at this point, I realise I'm not loyal to Singapore because of the people. I find that we as Singaporeans are heavily judgemental on each other when we all pledge ourselves to be one united nation regardless of race, language or religion.

Why do I say this? Because when I was on the bus to my friend's house, I realise that he couldn't have been that angry about me eating in the train. I mean, come on. Which of you would actually stand up, shout and advance at someone just because he ate in the train? The message I got from him was different. I had a feeling I should have told him that and asked if he hated me because my hair is dyed or because I was malay. If he was angry at me because he saw me as creating public nuisance then he was obviously not seeing how he was acting. I'm the one who is younger and is supposed to be less mature but he is the one who's standing, shouting and advancing at me. Seriously, I feel like he was definitely looking down on me just based on how I look. I don't know when I'm gonna feel patriotic again, but I can safely say it's not anytime soon. I know this is a heavy punishment to the country when not everyone is like that but hey it's not like I like being shouted at by a stranger in a public area.

P.S. I wonder what happened to talking and asking nicely. I hope I wouldn't encounter this again because if I do, I wouldn't be so nice. Of course I'll be careful about not blatantly eating at places I'm not supposed to now but like I said, I don't think that was his main motivation.

Busy Honey Bee

2009-06-16T13:23:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder when someone says something about another person, whether they reflect on themselves at the same time. Sometimes I wonder why I wake up in the morning feeling so miserable. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know the significance behind whatever's happening. Sometimes, just sometimes, I think jumping off a building, feeling the freedom and fear of falling, feeling the pain that comes when reality kicks in, would be the moment when I'd feel human again. For now, I still feel like a rag doll.

Dreams

2009-06-14T00:43:00.006+08:00

Today was better than yesterday Alhamdulillah. Especially since I got to carry out my subuh prayers after a long time of not being able to. I went to watch some skate competition and I also got to see FishTank perform. I got to spend time with Huda, Sheilah and Farhan. I got to read the wirid after my maghrib prayers and got to 'sedekahkan' Al-Fateha to my parents, my grandmother, my love and her family.

I realise that although we weren't really smsing each other today, there were moments when I can't help but think of you and just sigh to myself, both in sadness and in happiness. I'm sad that you have to go through all this at home and I'm sad that I don't know what to say because there isn't anything I can say to make it better but I also realise I'm happy to be with you. I didn't want for us to ever go through such a thing but we have to because it's part and parcel of everything else. There are some things I want to talk to you about so that we can make it clear and I can only do it face to face. But for now, I think I just need a little bit more time by myself. And by the way, I still love you and don't think otherwise.

I had a dream last night about you

And we were holding hands like we used to

The things I say about you is true

But maybe I'm just broken inside like you

Poster Coloured Mask

2009-06-12T15:04:00.004+08:00

I smoked and cried by myself at the void deck.

I thought crying would make me feel better but now I feel worse for some reason. Talk about self-pity. I think underneath this colourful blog of mine, I'm really a depressed kid. It's such a good mask that till now I'm not sure exactly how depressed I really am.

p.s. Thanks young lions for the camp. Insya'allah we'll see more people coming for SSP trainings. :)

bitter heart, bitter heart, tries to keep it all inside.
bitter heart, bitter heart, shadows will help you try to hide.
bitter heart, my bitter heart, is getting just a little fragile.
bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.

I saw and I shall speak

2009-06-07T02:38:00.009+08:00

Manifestasi 2009: Kibaran Samudera Senja Merah

Manifestasi is a recurring event hosted by Tampines Junior College. This year, their play beautifully entitled “Kibaran Samudera Senja Merah” circles around two families who were struck by the trials of war and the soldiers of ‘Pol Pot’. The play was in a 1970’s Cambodian setting. I find that this in itself was a very ambitious idea, especially when I heard that this year’s cast did not get as much practice as last year’s cast. I gather that the message behind the script was preaching perseverance and strength in bad times amongst other similar messages.

Okay, let’s recap. After knowing the above, one would expect a totally Cambodian family with a very 1970’s setting and music. However, I find that the setting was fit for a Malay kampong setting. The clothes worn by one of the mothers was the one that I felt more closely related to a Malay mother. The music was something else that I feel was out of place. The music and the songs from the entire play failed to portray any elements of Cambodia in the 1970’s. In fact, if I were to close my eyes, the name that would pop up in my head is Imran Ajmain, Singapore’s modern Malay pop singer. Thus I conclude that they failed in terms of music and song composition because it turned out to be like a concert hosted by Suria.

One thing I learned about acting and theatre is that it’s not about capturing the limelight. It’s not about looking good in that spotlight and in the pictures taken for the school. I find that most of the cast members were practising that particular habit to step out of character and be their own self. I was very annoyed to actually see ‘Sokhem’, acted by Azam Othman smiling at the camera just as his picture was taken. I’m sorry to say that he was one of my least favourite on stage that Friday night. The way he walked, talked and his expressions did not resemble that of an admirable father who is strong willed. He seemed like a teenager more than a man. Another thing I felt could be improved was his delivery of lines and how he responded to the other actors. He delivered his lines so fast that I couldn’t catch what he was saying and there were parts when it was so obvious he was out of character. I could see he was just waiting to say his lines.

Overall, I felt that most of the characters were reading off their scripts. It felt like they simply memorised the script for an exam and thus it felt very unnatural, unreal and sadly unconvincing. The energy levels were very low and I couldn’t feel the emotions they were portraying. Out of all the scenes, there was only one scene in which I could feel the emotions being brought across which was the scene where ‘Rom Chang’, played by Hazimah Hanafi cried over her dead husband’s body. I find that she was the only one who was almost portraying her character good enough. Her actions were quite big in portrayal of her denial and sadness when her daughter was taken from her and when her husband was dead. However, she too tended to come in and out of character and her energy level dropped here and there.

Another thing I was irritated about was the soldiers. I seriously had the urge to shout: “Lu mat ke soldier sia?!” (Are you a mat, Malay equal to the Chinese Ah Beng, or a soldier?!). The way they walked, talked, their expressions and the things they do gave me the image of a modern Singaporean ‘mat’, those clad in colourful skinny jeans, dyed hair and annoying language. However, ‘Ta Mok’, the leader of ‘Pol Pot’ acted by Shahrudin Johari did bring across the fierceness of an unforgiving and unmerciful soldier.

Also, I feel that ‘Sophea’, acted by Zahirah Lyana pulled of the childish little kid in some parts but when she’s trying to emphasize on the important lines, she starts to sound like a teenager again and a lot like an info commercial on Suria. Actually, I think this is a problem the entire cast faces. They like to sound like the hosts of informative shows on Suria when delivering the important lines, especially with their thick ‘baku’ Singapore which had no elements of any Cambodian accent.

Other than that, I felt that the director failed to make full use of the stage. Throughout the play, the cast kept using the front stage. I am sure there are spots on the stage which were left totally empty. The stage balance was also a little off because there are times when the most of the characters are at one side of the stage. Also, the lightings were not really enticing and there are times when the stage is quite dark. Furthermore, some parts the characters who were speaking couldn’t be seen. The flow of scenes was also not too good. This is apparent in the scenes where the two ‘angels’ who sang to the mothers and fathers as I find that it was pointless for the characters to exit when the scene could have made greater impact with a fading of lights. I think the play was full of people doing things just for the sake of moving the character there; there was no purpose to why the character would move there. For example, one of the final scenes, the 'Rom Chang' was at the front stage, then she suddenly moved to the middle of the stage then move back to the front. Basically, it was weird to see her moving all the way back then moving forward again when there's no reason for her to do so.

In general, I think the actors need to work on their voice projection because they were too soft in a lot of parts and I was sitting five rows from the front. Furthermore, I could tell some of the characters like ‘Nimol’, acted by Shafiq Hashim were not at all using stage voices because his voice sounded sore in one of the scenes. Also, they have to work on their singing because other than the two angels, everyone else was flat. Furthermore, they need to work on how to make full use of the props. Most of the time the props are just left alone and I find it funny that the props that the actors could make better use of like family photo and ropes when ‘Ritishak’, acted by Nasri Zainol saved ‘Sokhem’ were not present. Also, they need to learn to build up their emotions and not be so monotonous. Other than that, they shouldn’t be delivering their lines when people are laughing because then people cannot hear what they’re saying. This is apparent when ‘Arunny’, played by Zuhairi Asy-Syahid was delivering his lines when he was separated from ‘Sophea’. He should have stalled until the crowd had more or less settled down. On the logistics side, the movement of props took too long and left people bored and restless. And the saddest part is that I couldn’t feel the fear of the captivity, the sadness of separation and death, the tension of wanting to escape and also the happiness of reunion.

The only things that saved the show for me were the dance and the dikir barat. These were the only parts that were executed quite well although the male ‘tukang karot’ and ‘juara’ were straining their voices. I’m not sure if the dikir barat performances in between the scenes played to the play’s advantage though because I find myself lost and totally losing the mood of the play.

____________________________________________________________________________________

On a more personal note, I would like to congradulate the team for putting up the show and hope that they would keep trying to improve. I would love to come back next year to watch their dikir barat, insya'allah. And for the sake of freedom of speech, tag if you want about this and I shall reply.

Second Page in Pencil Writings

2009-06-03T10:46:00.002+08:00

Ok I just have nothing else to do but I flip through my notebook. And again I found another poem. But this time in English so all you non-malay people can understand it. I don't like the first two... verses? yeah. Let's call it that. I don't like the first two verses.

We're all searching for something right in front of us
We're not sure of the answers to this memory
But we're guessing as we go

Who we are is what we believe in
I believe in these songs I write for you
But I can't put pen to paper anymore

I'm flying back to my hometown,
I need to find my way back home now,
I;ve been walking for so long it seems,
I can't even remember my name

Why can't I be like everyone else
It's so hard for me to confide in me
When I don't even know what lies withing

I fell filthy and convicted for
All the tales and lies I've told before
Oh dear god save me from my sins

Old Scriblings

2009-06-03T10:30:00.002+08:00

I found this malay peom thingy somewhere in my notebook. Just felt like putting it up here for some reason.

Hitam
Kau lah penyimpan rahsia,
Topeng Muka
Dalam diam kau menyembunikan perasaan yang membelit
Tanpa kau, aku terdedah,
Terbiar
Ditikam dari kiri, kanan, depan, belakang
Hatiku, mindaku, diriku
Hapus, lesap degan asap yang sejuk

Namun aku tidak membenci engkau
Dengan perginya engkau,
Terburai lah segalanya
Walaupun kini kehilangan engkau telah membutakan
Aku, dia, mereka
Dan sekarang aku jua ingin bertanya
Siapakah aku?

I don't think it's complete though. Right now I feel like finishing it. Or improving it and developing it further all by myself, sitting in a train on the way to somewhere.

Just Plain Human

2009-06-02T22:16:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wonder, why am I not happy? Sure I have friends and that makes me happy. There are things that make me happy. There are occations whereby I'm happy to tears. However, I never am always happy. Yeah, people might say that it's normal but to me I don't think I've felt the amount of happiness some people feel.

Hmmm...

You know what? I think all these years of dumping everything in and all these years of trying to be sensitve have actually made me lose my emotions. I know what's sad and what's happy because I was taught of them or because I've felt them before sometime ago but I don't really feel it. I feel like something made with emotions but not meant to feel. It sucks. It sucks because when I do feel something, I can't express it. Call myself a communications student.

For some reason, I feel like the robot created for someone's parents; given emotions but do not know how to feel.

Cherry Flavoured Drinks

2009-06-02T20:56:00.002+08:00

Amazingly, it took me just one day to swing back to my happy-go-lucky self. Met up with unte for awhile and spend a little time. We watched Grease at the Main Library at SP with Fiza and Farhana.

Okay right now I can't focus. Something is poking me at the back of my head. haaiiishhh.

But it's okayy. I started the first line with the objective of telling people who care that I'm fine. So yeah people, I'm fine. But something unte said just now made me think and it's one of the things that is bugging me. Am I broken?

Dang. My mind is stuck on photograph. So... bittersweet.

Political Comedy

2009-06-01T21:38:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I think all I need is comedy in my life. Something to just suck out all the tiresome little details of life. I'm just so tired now. Maybe it's because I don't have enought sleep or maybe because I've not been able to meet my unte much. But sometimes, I cherish the simple days of when I first learned how to smoke. When nothing really mattered in my life other than friends.

Sometimes I feel so angry with the world. I have no idea why. I just feel so irritated with every single thing and I feel like being a bitch, isn't being a bitch enough. I feel so suffocated with the amount of superficial lies people can blatantly stuff in your face sometimes. I'm excited for a lot of things but it feels like I'm on a train to death day; it's all fast and exciting till the train derails and you find yourself flying off the cliff.

This is bad. I'm having my mood swings again and it sucks. Sometimes I think life itself is a political comedy. It's funny but it just shows how stupid people are.

Postcards and Old Photos

2009-05-30T11:25:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I think we lack the appreciation for all things simple and we tend to forget the good old days. Lucky we were born in an era where the camera is not something too exclusive. But I find that different cameras tell different stories. Sometimes I just miss the worn out pictures of old cameras instead of the crisp digital photos of today. I'm lucky I at least have 2 lomography cameras and friends who appreciate it as well thus I can still produce such photos.

ustaz: What is the meaning of life?
girl: Can I answer that question?
ustaz: Sure.
girl: I find that the meaning of life is realised when you know the purpose of life and death.
uszaz: So what is the meaning of life?
girl: I think the purpose of life and death is to live to serve Him and die to meet Him.

LAA-ILAA-HA-IL-LALLAH, MUHAM-MADUR-RASUU-LULLAH

Red Carnations and Smokey Evenings

2009-05-28T20:58:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I watched Angels and Demons. The movie has blown off my awesomeness charts and so did the company (duh). And I went for shisha and dinner with the cancer group. haha! yay! Wednesday was well spent. :D

Pop! Goes the Weasel

2009-05-25T08:51:00.003+08:00

I realise that I am in love with pop art. I think I've been in love with that particular form of art for a long time but have only put finger to keyboard about it now. I guess it explains why my blog is soo colourful. But now I feel like recreating another blog skin and really inculcate the pop art technique. Technique? Ooo... I sound as if I have some special skills. Well, I don't but like lots of things you do, just love it and everything will go alright. I should do a little research and start on it soon.

Hmmm... I think I shall get myself a doodle book soon.

Honey Bees and Growing Trees

2009-05-24T01:12:00.004+08:00

This is one of the rare occasions I want anyone and everyone to read my blog. So what're we talking about today?

STRESS.

Yes, stress. This is just my personal view from my personal experience. I didn't do any research so you can choose not to trust my opinion and to go against it. Just don't spam my tagboard. Ok here goes.

Stress is one of the many things we can never avoid; whether at school, work or play. For most, they live on stress and work is play and play is work. It's good to be busy as a bee and grow like a tree but when does stress get the better of you? It is when you LET it control you.

When you work for a certain output and put in your best effort, usually you'll get stress. Although stress pushes you beyond your limits, it can also lead you to your downfall. This happens when one gets so caught up in achieving the goal that they lose sight of the fun. I believe that whatever you do for something you believe in and have passion for, shouldn't end up being an assignment. In other words, one should not submit and succumb to stress so much that they can't wait for the end to come and miss out on the fun of the process. One also shouldn't be blinded by goals set by themselves and by others (or what they feel others are implying on them) to the point where you are so busy doing everything that you are not aware that you're doing everyone else's job (which complicates things even more). Don't self imply stress people, it's crazy and it's bad. DELIGATE THE WORK and let the deligated work be done by those in charge of it; just focus on your part of the big picture. And one of the greatest example of succumbing to stress is when someone naturally feels stress even though the task has just started and time is more than enough to achieve one's goals. There's a difference between time management and forcing yourself to run 20km when you're given time to walk the whole way. That's part one of my opinion. So what do you think? Am I the lazy sort?

Maybe yes, maybe no. But that's not the point.

Part Two: Managing Stress. Okay so how do you guys manage stress? Read a book, listen to music, etc. What if you don't have time to do any of these? Make time. Whether on the way home, or just half an hour at home. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. That's a minor part of managing stress. In my opinion, the best way to manage your stress is learning to maintain your cool. What if you are really at breaking point and your escape is neither here nor there? Breath. Just breath. Close your eyes, enter your own imagination and breath. Forget everything around you just for 5 minutes or so. This is very important because snapping at people and crying won't do a thing. Just stop whatever you're doing and breath. And seriously, don't snap at others when they tell you to do it. If someone is telling you to do it then that means you're emitting so much negative stress energy that your making others feel... well, like crap. Don't do it in a rush either. Just relax. Learn how to calm yourself down. Managing stress is not about being lazy or procrastinating or leaving things to the last second, it is to let just enough amount of stress remind you that you need to do something and also allowing yourself time to breath, relax and have fun. Chill people. Ouh and cracking jokes helps too. So yeah. That's my 2cents. Enjoy whatever is left of the weekends! :D

Black or White

2009-05-20T22:48:00.002+08:00

So just now was the voting for the next committee for SSP. And I don't know but I think 7 votes for me was good enough. I'm glad that at least now I know who thinks I can be part of the 3 and who thinks I can't. heh. And I'm not saying this in a bad way eh. I love my batch of lions. :D And I find it funny that Wan K thinks both of us can be the vice because he's the one with big ego and I'm the one with a smaller ego so we balance each other. So is that a good thing or bad thing? hmmm...

After that we all went to Din's house to visit him. It was a nice lepak session lah actually. We watched house bunny and chatted and catched up. More people are starting to know the secret and it's great because just now me and unte got to be a little more open. hahaha. :P I'm really happy for the fact that we are all so close now. It's these kind of friendships that I feel so confident in. It's like we're all standing with our hands interlocked with each other's. But oh wells, every great friendship has it's challenges but we will do it step by step. GO KEDONDONG! :D

P.S. I realise out of all the _______, I only dislike one. I'm okay with the rest but I dislike just one. And his attitude is making me dislike him more.

P.S.S Am I one of the two faced assholes? (I read your blog and I'm not the only one)

Kotak Rahsia Terbuka

2009-05-18T11:13:00.004+08:00

Kotak. Kotak. Kotak.

The thing that the world revolved around on 16th of May. The day when everything (or almost everything) was said and revealed. The day when tears were shed and apologies were made. Somehow I'm glad that finally all of it was said because for the first time I wasn't holding back for the sake of avoiding the inevitable. For once, I was honest in letting out my emotions. For once, my eyes didn't lie. The feeling was the greatest feeling ever. To actually be open and get similar response. For everyone to talk openly on how they feel and of the things that play around in their minds.

But that was the aftertaste of the day. The appetiser was us now 'Young Lions's performances. I felt that everyone tried and gave their best although I think that this is just the beginning. I feel that we still can be even better. My group did some mistakes here and there and I kinda improvised my script. Half of the things I said weren't even in it. I like my play although it might have not been too traditional and we could have done a few things differently. But overall, I'm proud of my group and I wouldn't have it any other way. Ouh and this is also a shout out to Arif and Jeff for being our mentors and being our friends. :D

p.s. If everyone at the confessions session after SiNOPSiS don't have SSP in their minds, the confession session wouldn't have happened.

Pentaskan Dongengmu

2009-05-15T12:19:00.003+08:00

Hello playmates and strangers. Tomorrow 16th May 2009, SangSingaPurba, Singapore Polytechnic's very own malay performing arts group will hold a pioneer event unlike any they have organised before. This event is called 'Sinopsis', a letter different from its English translation: Synopsis. It will be a series of 10 minutes plays in Singapore Polytechnic's very own blackbox (T642). The exciting thing about this show is that it is produced, directed and acted by the 'Cubs' of SangSingaPurba; currently the youngest batch in the CCA.

The Cubs were divided into three groups, each lead by their own leader; Syafiqah Zainal, IffaHaziqah and Hazwan Norly. These group leaders were in turn given their own concept; either Contemporary, Musical or Traditional Malay. The groups were given three weeks to come up with their own script, rehearse and put up the show. Luckily, the groups were allowed to select 2 of the Senior Lions (currently Year 3 students in Singapore Polytechnic), to help them out with any aspect. The rest of SangSingaPurba have seen the Cubs's show on wednesday and gave constructive criticism so that they can improve on their individual shows.

So bring yourself, a friend or two and your bucket of emotions tomorrow night to the blackbox at Singapore Polytechnic, T642 because the Cubs really did put in a lot of effort in producinc their shows even if some are not as experienced as others.

p.s. Please leave me (Hazwan Norly) an email at phantom_g30@hotmail.com if you are coming and if possible gather your friends and tell me the number of people who are going with you. This is vital to reduce any problems in space or seating for tomorrow.

Yours,
M. Hazwan Norly

A Kid Again

2009-05-11T23:26:00.003+08:00

Today, after a long time of throwing these black paint splatters on the white canvas, I've finally stopped and decided to change colours. For the first time in awhile, I'm a kid again. For the first time in awhile, I find hope in the smallest things. For the first time, I'm appreciating the feel of other colours getting stuck in my fingernails. I'm appreciating all the stuffs that happen around me, both the good and the bad. I'm allowing myself to be inspired by others. I'm painting this picture with love and hope coursing through my veins so that even if I get paper cuts, it doesn't matter. For once, I'm excited.

I don't know why but god has made me a listening ear to many whispering hearts, including the one I'm keeping in a little box full of my special things. I guess I was born to be a melancholic person, not because of whatever talents I have but because of the roller-coaster ride I'm going through with a few other people for company. In my heart though, I am secretly loving the friendship. I'm not one to demand or love attention because sometimes I just want to be that book you've read before; left in your dusty bookshelf and letting time change itself. But the point is, I love being the 'Black Book' you scribble in because scribbles don't lie. The intensity of your strokes, the bending of the lines you draw and the ambiguous outcome you achieve is no more than an expression of the kid in you. But I guess that's just the purpose of the 'Black Book'; to make people feel better about letting out but never to say anything that'll make you want to throw it away. It can't tell you what you want to hear, it's only there to listen and age when there are no more pages left to scribble on.

Right now, I am slowly losing sight of black and white because I'm covering it up with other colours of different shades. I'm gonna paint a picture and it could make all the sense in the world, or it could be just another scribble with criptic codes only I could desipher. But I know that one day out of the heavy mess of colours will emmerge the black again. Then I'll just have to pay for a new canvas with my spare change and paint it over again. I could try to paint the same picture, or maybe I won't.

The Voice of Dreams, My Dreams

2009-05-10T17:40:00.003+08:00

I wish I was active in choir in primary school or something. But at least i was in ensemble so my music ear is not that bad. As in, my pitching is usually right. I still remember one time in music class when I was so enthusiastic about singing this song with the whole class that the teacher *standing beside me* said: the person beside me really enjoys singing. I swear I flushed but I don't know if people actually understood what she was saying. All I know is, I still continued to sing with the same enthusiasm. It was so fun to be a kid and singing with a whole class of kids. It just sets me free I guess. Now that I'm finally doing something about it, I need to think of song choices for talentime. haha.

Ouh and Sheilah's sister's voice is nice. very.

Emptiness

2009-05-09T02:28:00.003+08:00

I can't help but feel a sense of pity for this guy. Don't worry, I'm not part of Jemaah Islamiah or whatever and I'm not a terrorist. I'm just expressing pity for a fellow human being.

Fish gotta Swim, Birds gotta Fly

2009-05-07T13:34:00.002+08:00

10 minutes. That is the amount of time I have to challenge myself, to prove to myself and to finally put something out there. Me and my 4 other painters will paint this picture with a single black pen. Words were mentioned and thoughts were spoken. Silence. That has been happening a lot and I don't like it. Silence. Not the type to make you calm but the type to drill 20 different holes in yourself, by yourself. Are we happy or are we sad? Who knows but the 'Grandfather' up there. Should I say more or should I say less? Sometimes I don't know where I stand. But I guess that's life.

But then again, what is life?

What is the essence of it? What is the purpose of it? Why is my life going this way? Is it possible for people to have gone the wrong direction and is actually living someone Else's destiny? Again, the only one who knows these things is the 'Grandfather' clock up there. It's funny how words are always said but nobody really knows the meaning of what was said other than the one who said it. Right now, all I can do is to give my best and hope for the best. Whatever happens, I'll still be disappointed so no point in trying to be optimistic. Maybe I'm really just the pessimistic sort.

I am not like you, and you are not like me. But I've got to do this because Fish gotta Swim and Birds gotta Fly.

p.s. this is just a nice way of saying what I really feel because I don't want to be a bitch and I'm just not like that.
p.s.s it may or may not be related to the 10 minutes play so those who know whatever the 10 minutes play is and is actively reading my blog, don't just assume. You don't have to find out either.

Spasms

2009-05-05T21:38:00.002+08:00

Have you guys ever had random spasms of moody moments? I bet you have. The worst thing about these spasms are the fact that sometimes you don't even know why you're having these 'emo' moments. I hate having such moments sometimes and that just adds to it. But right now, for some reason, I just feel.... unwanted. I don't know. I know my friends being my friends would say that I'm not but right now that's how I feel. This is probably the main reason why I don't like ending friendships. The feeling of being unwanted by a friend you're so close to or used to be close to is horrible. And me being an imaginative kid always have a scenario in my mind where the person sees my message or whatever but choose not to do anything about it. I just hate being ignored by people I care about. But these are all just spasms of emotions; the scenario above is not really happening.

So the gist of the story is that I'm being moody because for some reason I feel unwanted and ignored when there're isn't anything of the sort happening (I hope).

Realisations

2009-05-04T23:03:00.000+08:00

I realise at one point in life, you'll start to realise everyone is starting to date people or get attached and you start to wonder when is it your turn. Then when your turn comes, it's like your a kindergarten kid in a whole new playground; you explore it with the innocent curiosity of a child. Some relationships may last but some may not but I guess that's the gamble of 'love'. You have to give that one person your all and he/she has to do the same or it won't really work out. And I think it's a learning journey most importantly. You'll learn more about yourself, your significant other and how to be a better boyfriend/girlfriend. That's an important lesson that I've learnt recently.

Another thing I realised is that at another point in life, people around you will start to get married; start building a family. And that's when you start wondering again: when is it your turn? However, this is a whole new level as compared to the above. Marriage is not something you explore with the curiosity of a little kid but more like a mature adult. Yes, breaking up is horrible but divorcing is worse. This is something from my own religion: The non-haram thing that is most hated or disliked by God is the breaking up of a marriage. From my understanding, it's because when these people divorce, they're not only letting go the other but also the other's family and being humans, the relationship between the two families will turn sour. Furthermore, getting married does not only mean being a husband or wife for most but also being future fathers and mothers. That is one responsibility that to me holds the greatest burden. Being in this modern age, parents now need to be more open minded but also keep to their roots. For me it means sticking to my religion but also not being the traditional malay family that doesn't allow their sons or daughters the privilage of making their own mistakes. I think traditional malay families stereotype too much.

Anyway, the reason why I'm blogging this is that at my age, I've already thought of my first son's name and how big a family I want. I already worry about things that I think not all guys my age worry about. I worry about how to be a good son-in-law, father, husband and son. I'm worried that I would not have time to actually learn to be all of the above soon enough. I'm worried of screwing up my family. Tell me people, is it normal for me to worry about such things? Or am I just being a dramatic worry wort? I don't know. I just think that fatherhood is something that you have to do it right or it's forever in your little black book.

But sometimes I wonder, would I even get to taste fatherhood.

The Dream of Singing

2009-04-28T19:03:00.001+08:00

I just saw a video of someone's girlfriend singing. I didn't know she sings and her voice is awesome! She sang 'Some People Want it All - Alicia Keys'. It was really a nice cover. Interesting how that someone is also a talented singer. haha. I feel blessed all of a sudden, to be able to sing. Maybe I'm not a good singer but to at least sing to a melody, I'm very much blessed. I'm blessed I can talk with different intonations and I'm not mute. I really really want to join talentime now. Yes, I know, wtf right? People joining Anugerah lah, Singapore Idol lah, I join CASS talentime. HAHA! But yeah. I dont want to join some prestigious competition when I have no experience under my belt. :D But seriously, I wanna ask you people who read and have heard me sing, can I sing? hmmm...

Contradicting to what I earlier mentioned, I know. heh.

ouh I dyed my hair for those people who don't know. And I look like a mat. But please, stop saying it because it gets irritating after awhile. I dont need people to repeat it in front of my face everytime they see me. Let me be the one to do that since it's my hair.

p.s. I'm lucky to have you by my side amongst others. :D

My Love

2009-04-25T11:50:00.001+08:00

To whoever who thinks I love them. Especially you.

Being Jinxed?

2009-04-22T23:42:00.001+08:00

Wawa and me are feeling jinxed because we keep ending up with messed up GEMs. I was actually looking forward to the Film Appreciation GEMs but when I entered the class, I realised they were playing an ice breaking game which wasn't doing any ice breaking. Firstly because the minute I heard the lecturer talk I had a feeling she's damn boring. Okay that's one. I tried to speak aloud and stuff when it was my turn to introduce myself but I don't know, she's this very super fucking pessimistic person. She kept telling us how disasterously difficult the module is and how if we work hard we SHOULD be able to pull through. I felt as if the life was being sucked out of me. She sounded as if she feared failure like a mouse fearing a cat. She sounded like as if nothing in the world is at all special, only average, dull and pathetic; only existing to fill the space. That's two. Then, she asked us to write a 200 word review about this Roystan Tan film. Mr Sng showed us the film before so I fell asleep when she showed us the film the 2nd time that lesson. So she woke me up with a sorta strict tone which I admit was fair but the last part made me really boil. She told us to write on fullscap but I didn't have any thus we asked for some from this girl but I think she's drastically trying to save the trees so she gave us one piece. So faris split the paper in half and gave me a piece. After writing for some time, wawa gave hers to the lecturer but she asked her to rewrite on a full piece of paper. I thought she wouldn't mind mine because Faris handed in his and she didn't say anything about it. So I scribbled whatever I thought off the film and when there were only 4 of us left, she told me to rewrite. WHAT THE HELLL???? Where was I supposed to find an A4 paper when there's practically noone else in class. Seriously, she gave me a very bad impression. Although some of the things were partly my fault but the way she handles things are damn ridiculous. I swear I would be some emo kid if I had her as my PTN or parent. I'd die from lack of happiness and optimism or something. So much for being in a fun module and enjoying every step of the way. So much for getting good grades for the GEMs and so much for respect. Seriously, she needs to earn my respect as much as I may need to earn hers. BITCH.

Air Bandung

2009-04-19T23:58:00.001+08:00

Have you guys ever noticed something? Like the things you say or want to say to someone sounds so corny in your head and when you read it back to the point where you couldn't imagine saying those words to anyone. And the thing is, you say it to that person anyway without a care in the world because to that person, it doesn't matter.

Okay that was just running through my head when I felt like blogging. haha. Anyway, yesterday after Haddad's play thing a few of us went Tong Seng to eat (biase jugak). Then yadayadayada I went for guitar class and afters I went to lepak at tampines Starbucks with Eecar, Nana and Leh. Never have I thought that I'd be lepaking with Leh. hahah. but yeah it was nice to hang out with them.

...

I have nothing else I need to say right now so.. I shall wait for next time when I have something else to say. haha.

The Almost Starless Skies of Singapore.

2009-04-17T23:50:00.001+08:00

Hmm... I can't describe just now as nothing else but nice. Training was good although all we did was vocal projection and pitching. But something was brought up just now which I've been thinking about but I shall announce it at the end of this post.

Okay so after training, the lions went for this free screening of 'Kallang Roars' at National Museum. The movie was nice and so was the company. Ouh and also the camera slutting. HAHAHA! But yeah. Kambeng noticed a star in the sky and I couldn't help thinking about how star-full the sky would be if Singapore had a total blackout. Ouh and like I said, the movie was damn nice. Really inspirational especially since SSP is also the den of us Lions. heh.

Now to the announcement. Okay at the end of training, Haddad chose 3 people - Eecar, Iffa and me. We were chosen to be the project leader of our own productions but not as a group but individually. Meaning, Eecar will produce her own 10 mins production and so will Iffa and me thus totalling to 3 different productions. The common theme is: 'STOP' but each of us have our own... sub-theme? Mine is traditional malay, Eecar's is contemporary and Iffa's is musical. So we must make a production revolving or portraying the word 'stop' with influences from our sub-theme. Okay the catch is not only the fact that we have to do this on our own but also the cubs must choose in whose group they want to be; Eecar's, Iffa's or mine. Thus tomorrow, I'm hoping all cubs will be present for Mr. Haddad's play at SP so that after we watch that, we can do the groupings. So please people, we need you! (especially since the number of cubs is that much smaller than previous batches).

Your Blogger,
Kambeng.

The number 3 and the letter L

2009-04-16T01:44:00.001+08:00

Certain things have taken place and I can't stop smiling like a sheep (dont ask me how a sheep smiles but right now that's the only way I feel like describing it). I hope things would go well and I hope god will be there to bimbing us as we go. Insya'allah.

p.s. Yusuf has a knack for being right.

GO KERETAAAAA!!!

Early Morning Stomach Ache

2009-04-13T07:55:00.001+08:00

As the title reveals, I'm having a stomach ache and this is the first time in days I've woken up at this hour. I don't know what to blog about. This is just a random spontaneous blog post. Okay let's just blog abuot yesterday. Yesterday me and Eecar went for the NUS show at NAFA. It was entitled Qalbu. Seriously, the actor playing the transgendered club owner was the best of them all. There were lighting hiccups here and there but acting was good. The guy playing the transgendered club owner was really good at doing cover ups, like when the lights didn't turn off when it was supposed to. She? was an overall funny character because she? had muscular man arms. I like the voices of the two who sang (not including the transgendered, Ros). There was this one part they sang a dangdut song but without the music. It was supposed to be a sad moment. I like the plotting for the first part too. The part where Sarah visited her dad in prison. It was cool uh. The story overall was quite cool. I enjoyed the night club scenes the most.

Watching the Clouds go by at night

2009-04-12T14:45:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was a nice confession session with some of the cubs. It was good because we told the truth. And from yesterday's confession session, I learned quite a bit uh. Sheesha at Amirah's Grill is good for gatherings like this. Ouh and Yusuf joined us because he was already at Bugis. Seriously, he needs to get a map. hahah. So obviously after we left the place me and Yusuf went to lepak at kembangan as usual. Quite a bit was revealed too. Actually the stuffs were revealed as we were making our way to kembangan. Seriously, right now I wonder why I said some stuffs. What natural force of nature made me say stuff that I've never told anyone before. Ahh well. It's all said and done and I don't think either of us were lying. So Yusuf, don't regret telling me the stuffs because I'm not saying anything about it. I hope the feeling's mutual. :)

Sang Singa Melaung

2009-04-09T20:11:00.001+08:00

Okay, I've just reached home from MLS camp and I feel tired but I'm going out to lepak in awhile. I think I'm gonna miss those SSP kids and some of those MLS kids whom I know and are friends with. Although I always meet the SSP kids for training, I kinda like this better because we get to spend more time together, even sleep together. Ouh and the 2nd night was the Nusa Satria performance by us Cubs of Sang Singa Purba.

So after about a month of training, we pulled off the performance for the MLS Freshmen Orientation Camp. There were some mistakes on my part and I know my voice can be louder and stronger than that (it was wayyy better on sunday night/monday morning when we rehearsed) and I my nervousness got the better of me thus I forgot my lyrics. But truthfully, I am really proud to be part of this production and I'm really happy we had this opportunity because it brought us closer. I dare say that I'm going to miss Nusa trainings, with the constant singing sessions to train our voices, critics, stress, anxiety, anger, sadness, happyness and the word 'kedondong' (Cubs nye word uh skarang. haha!). The best thing was receiving comments from people that we were good, that the characters on that parquet flooring seemed realistic and that they think our standard is 'way up there'. When I heard Halim (a camper) say that, honestly my heart felt like it was glowing. I'm gonna miss Nusa Satria trainings and I really thank everyone for helping me pull off Sang Nila Utama, both the Cubs and the Seniors.

Ouh and Wan K, if you happen to read this, I hope you're not blaming yourself for losing your voice. Don't worry, the production wasn't a failure and it's already takdir for that to happen on the day itself. I really thank you because you pushed me to be a better actor and singer and you didn't give up on me.

Tales in Different Voices

2009-04-04T23:03:00.001+08:00

I just found out something about a friend of mine and it's really saddening. I don't know. I've never had a friend who is facing something like this. I just hope she's okay. Altough we were never that close, we are both related as muslims and also as performers on the stage, as cubs growing to be lions. Ya Allah, I'm asking for your help once again to keep this friend of mine safe. I know that I can't expect that everyone I pray for will be safe because Allah s.w.t has to be equal. Like I said before, "Even chance meetings are the result of Karma". Everything is already written in stone and everything has meaning. But Insya'allah my prayers will be answered.

Ana apa? Singa kah, kuching?

2009-04-03T22:40:00.001+08:00

My acting just now was soo horrible that even the Titanic seems like a happy occassion. Masya'allah.

p.s. eating a lot to fill your stomach is good when your feeling this down.

To know is difficult, to not know is dangerous

2009-03-31T13:21:00.001+08:00

I just felt like researching the meaning of 'Masya'allah'. Although the source I got is wikipedia, I think the definition is quite reliable.

Masya Allah (ما شاء الله) adalah frase yang diungkapkan seorang Muslim untuk menunjukkan kekaguman terhadap seseorang atau kejadian. Dalam hal ini, digunakan sebagai ekspresi penghargaan, sementara dalam waktu yang sama juga sebagai pengingat bahwa semua pencapaian bisa terjadi karena kehendak-Nya. Terjemahannya kurang lebih adalah "Allah telah berkehendak akan hal itu", dengan kata telah yang menekankan tentang doktrin Islam yang percaya pada takdir. Digunakan sebagai ungkapan kegembiraan disertai doa.

And I googled it again to find other sources and found this comment on a blog post:

salam sis..
u write well..
but i would like to point one thing.
an egyptian fren of mine who speaks arabic of course, once asked me why i never say masya Allah when i see beautiful things. and i said, in malaysia.. we misunderstand. we say masya allah when things are bad. and subhanallah when things are good. and she said.. but its sunnah to say masha Allah (not subhanallah) when u see amazing things. Masha allah is hard to translate succinctly into English. The literal meaning is "what God has willed". The sense in which it's used is more like "what a wonderful thing God has willed".
u can check with ur arab visitors.. of course subhanallah is also praise to god but saying masha allah is the right thing. its just like saying subhanallah instead of alhamdulillah. theyre both praises to god, but one is more appropriate than the other.
thanks :)

I wonder than, what is the proper thing to say when you stumble upon something that is seriously bad. Something you never really thought of, something you sort of knew but never paid attention too. What if for all these years, you think you've been doing the right thing, but in actual fact, you're just doing what you're told to do. I'm quite at a lost for words actually. Will saying SubhanAllah, Masya' Allah or AstaghfiruAllah suffice? I'm somewhat frightened and I really feel sinful but I guess I'm glad that I was given the chance to do my own research on my religion.

At this point, I would want to thank Riza for introducing to us cubs the arrivals and I would like to urge whoever is reading this to visit their website: www.thearrivals.blogspot.com with and open heart and mind. It's a series of episodes that speaks of coincidences (or are they?) in reference to Islam. For those who are weary of trusting such a site, please, by all means do your own research. Read books, hadiths, research online or even talk to someone reliable like an ustaz or ustazah.

And I'd like to share a phrase I learned from a Haruki Murakami book about coincidences:

"Even chance meetings are the result of Karma"

What does it mean? It means that things in life are fated by our previous lives (or for Muslims, our Rohs. It is said that our Rohs have gone through our lives once before we have and of course, our destiny is already writtn by Allah s.w.t). That even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence.

So think about it.

Kencing Manis dan Inspirasi

2009-03-29T01:59:00.001+08:00

Okay just ignore the title, was totally random. It means diabetes and inspiration. Anyway, today is Afina's birthday and at first I forgot about it until I looked at the calender and realised. So I sent her this poem in malay which was not totally original. While thinking of how to wish her I remembered this person's puisi (malay poem) about time and I used the first line from that puisi. It's seriously the first time I wrote such things. I guess my malay is improving a little as I speak more of it and actually read malay literature. It's starting to pull me towards it. Anyway, the puisi I wrote isn't good. HAHA! It just sounds funny. But Afina is about my standard in malay so I guess it's a good thing that I'm unable to write extremely beautiful and difficult malay poetry. Ahh well, she licked it anyway and is gonna post it on her blog. It's only one paragraph of like 5 or so lines so I guess it's not really a poem but I really would want to learn more about malay literature though. It's like this whole new world for me because I've never seemed to want to read it in my early secondary school days until the end of Sec 4 I think. I remember I tried to write emotionally for malay O's after reading a sample of Farhana's essay. My marks for malay composition changed for the better almost immediately. So I guess through writing emotionally, you get emotionally attached to whatever you're writing and the language you're using.

Oh and I got to watch Towkay Wayang at Victoria Concert Hall with Syafiq and Farhana last night at 8pm. Errmmm... in a word the experience was kinda disappointing. But hey, I don't wanna give a review about it here because I'm no professional. I'll tell whoever who wants to hear my point of view. So yeah. Ask and you shall know, keep quite and you wont. haha. The internet is a very public area, doing it here is like shouting in the middle of orchard road. Or worse.

Teater Kami mempersembahkan

2009-03-28T11:50:00.001+08:00

'Maafkan Anan' / Forgive Anan tells the life story of a young man named Anan who was raised in an unconventional family. His mother is a 50 years old widower while his elder sister, Bedah, suffers from mental disorder. Though Anan is a stepson, he is arrogant and self-centered. Since he is living in a good life, he never knew his real parents and never bothers to find out. Bedah, in her own personal story, is haunted by an event from the past that Anan could never understand while his mother is having her own dilemmas of a dark history concerning Anan. When one day Anan was caught for drug abuse, all secrets came to light. He began to know about his family and mother. But this regret comes a little too late and Anan was left with no choice but to seek forgiveness.

I went for Teater Kami's show with the lions from SSP without even knowing what it was going to be about till I got there. I didn't even know how many characters were in the play or what does the story revolve around. Furthermore, it was my first time watching a show at the black box. I was seriously blown away by their acting. At some parts I was already on the verge of tears. I feel like the scenes were from another time because of lines like "air kencing syaitan" which the mother associated with beer. Parents nowadays don't relate alcohol to the piss of satan. They'll just tell you it's bad kinda thing. I get this guilty feeling when I watch some of the parts, especially the part about the crazy 'sister', Bedah. It really questions your humanity when you see such people in the streets and all. So overall, I was really blown away by the way the actors pull of their characters, it was as if we were really there in that old kampung house, watching an unconventional malay family break apart because of drugs and alcohol.

It would be great if SSP cubs could act as good or almost there or better for this year's muzikarama. There are a lot of things to learn from this but I think with proper guidance, we can produce a good show too. Terus Berjuang!

Metamorphosis

2009-03-27T11:52:00.001+08:00

Okay I know I'm gonna sound a tad bratty but I need a change. I need a change of wardrobe, hair, etc. My wardrobe is seriously stagnant since god knows when. The last update to it was the pink t-shirt which Farhana bought for me on my birthday last year, which is November 21st. Although it was a belated birthday present, it was still a long time ago. Seriously, I'm bored of my hair and my clothes and people are starting to notice my favourite t-shirts. For example, I almost always wear my black short sleeve over my white long sleeve for gigs or my green t-shirt. Reason? Those are the only few colourful t-shirts I have. Some t-shirts in my wardrobe are like severely oversized because my dad thinks I'm Sheikh Haikel and when I raise my arms, it will reveal my invisible layers of flab. For those of you who know me, I really mean this, the t-shirts are wayyy oversized. He bought me an 'L' sized t-shirt when I can fit into an 'S'. gahhhh. Other than that, my hair has always been the same since I entered poly (okay last time was worse, I looked like I'm some 70's person) and I think I'm ready for a change. I don't mean like dyeing it extremely bright colours (I don't want to look like a 'Mat') but just a different haircut or style. Maybe I'll dye my hair brownish colours but that would be my lastttt option. I just wanna cut my hair in a different way. I'm so desperate I think I might cut a mohawk.

Okay I'm so sorry for this abrupt explosion of brattiness but I just needed to let that out. I should donate my oversized t-shirts to some welfare organisation since I don't wear them at all. And I really wanna find a job because I seriously need the income to buy all of these. But don't worry though, I'm not a spendthrift (I think) so I wont buy a lot of clothes at one go. Gahh. The minute I'm free, I'm gonna get a job.

Ouh and another thing, I wonder if I should meet up with my friend this Saturday before (or after) the musical. Since we're both gonna be at Raffles Place. Hmmm.. I shall ask him if he comes online, if not then ouh well.

The Bitch and The Bastard

2009-03-24T20:32:00.001+08:00

I don't know why but some days I just feel... really unhappy. Don't worry, I'm not entering my bad mood phase again, yet. But I just feel unhappy about things, about how some words are said, about how things are planned in concrete letters. I guess the selfish side of me is really going for it but the human side is really pondering if I'll stand up tall with my nose pointing to the sky when all is said and done. I'm really pondering whether all of this is worth it. I spent like an hour plus before I fell asleep thinking about the people around me. It saddens me so when I imagine them in business suits and expensive watches, saying everything in the name of business.

Faith. An extremely big word in my opinion. I needed that short bitching session with Wawa (I hate it when 2 people I know have the same name) about certain stuffs. Sammy was there too. Gahh.. Problems are neatly stacking themselves up on top of each other even before the new semester starts. It's difficult for me to lose faith in other people but it's easy for me to lose faith in myself. But in this case, it seems that both sides are losing. Like I said, there's this big gaping black hole of unhappiness in me right now. Not in an angry, I want everyone to die kind of way but more like in a sad and depressing way. I really hope that everything will go well among us all. I'm not the type to go into a fist fight, in fact I'm the type to talk things out. But what if talking is only talking but everyone goes home with the same anger or pain in their hearts. I really hate this.

And another thing, I really hope that everything goes well for Sammy. I am feeling seriously guilty over what happened and I couldn't bring myself to explain what happened because I knew none of this would have happened if we didn't do the things we did. It's sad that it all started with a simple innocent plan to make her feel better about being in Singapore.

Good God, please help her, them, us, me. I am guilty of a lot of sins and I am shameful about asking for your help but please, lend me your forgiving hand once again.

Do The Haka

2009-03-20T23:27:00.001+08:00

I find this damn cool for some reason. Anyway, rugby is a fun sport.

Dose of Mocca

2009-03-19T18:11:00.001+08:00

I am currently high on Mocca. I've been listening to them a lot since this morning. I love their music a lot. Not only do they have a very strong vocalist but everyone of the band's members are really good. I like how the drummer plays the beats, I think he's my favourite in the band. The bassist and guitarist are great also! The guitarist is a great when he performs. It's really fun to watch him play the guitar. The bassist is supperrr good. He's not only a good bassist but his vocal range is damn wide. He can go from a low key to a higher key. He can even harmonise the vocalist in some songs.

Yep, you guys should check them out if you guys haven't heard of them. You won't be disappointed. Ouh and I have uploaded my group's film on youtube. So you guys could go watch if you want. It's just a short film for a project. Ok you know what? I'll just embed it here.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

2009-03-16T12:06:00.003+08:00

We came to Esplanade yesterday just as the sun was touching the horizon. We sat there in front of the stage waiting for our order of caffeine to be served all the way from Indonesia. After checking the proper ingredients were mixed in just the right proportions, we were left alone amongst the crowd. As we pass the time fidgeting in our seat, we readied out history books to document yesterday for today, tomorrow and perhaps the next few years.

As the clock struck 7, the barristers stepped up and picked up their instruments in their stylish aprons, jackets and dresses. The next few moments were nice... just nice. Even the non-coffee drinkers were drooling for these amazing Indonesian barristers' concoction. The Mocca they served was one of the best we have ever tasted in our lives.

After getting high on the constant consumption of drug-like caffeine, the mood smoothed down as the music plays a familiar tune. In the midst of it all, a voice spoke with perfect tone, rhythm and harmony. The girl's voice flowed across the dozens of heads looking up at her. She had a guitar in her hands and she was playing it like a Malaysian pied piper with her other male sirens accompanying her. All of a sudden, my heart was thumping. I was feeling excited, happy, elated and a lot of other similar emotions at the same time. I've seen her last year on my computer screen and now she's performing right in front of me. At that moment, I couldn't have asked for anything more because in a way, we all had a deeper conversation with this girl - Yuna.

Okay I think that's it for my descriptive essay for now because I kinda ran out of inspiration when my right eye started to itch. hahah! But yeah, I am a very satisfied person right now because I got to see Mocca and Yuna yesterday! Plus, I bought Yuna's EP and got her and the rest of her band to autograph it. Furthermore, I got to take like 3 pictures with her. WOOHOO! 1st was with her and my friends, 2nd was with the band and 3rd was a solo picture with her (this was last minute and I owe Sheilah for this)! We met Sheilah's sister over at the gig too and as we were excitedly tearing away the plastic wrap on the EP, we were laughing at the fact that all of us already have ALL the songs on the EP. In other words, we spent 15 bucks each just for her autograph. HAHAHA!

Mocca was great too. I never really listened to them but after their show yesterday, I cant wait to listen to the album Huda bought. Their vocalist was so cute! She looked, sounded and portrayed an Indonesian Mary Poppins. I think I might go for their acoustic set today also. heh. Ouh and I bought 2 Mocca stickers and a Mocca badge. YAY!

Overall, I am very thankful I got to catch Mocca and Yuna (especially Yuna) yesterday and I hope that this won't be the last time they're coming to Singapore because that would be a tragedy. haha.

p.s. But if they don't come to Singapore again after this, then I'll just have to find time and money to watch their shows at Malaysia, Indonesia or wherever.

Guilty as Charged

2009-03-14T23:47:00.003+08:00

I've read this email before and I remember at that time I felt guilty. Now, I've read it again and I feel even more guiltier because not only do I delay my prayers but also miss them at times and I do things that are against Islam. I just hope that I can repent in time.

The Email goes like this:

Bismillahirrahmanirahim..

He got up and realized that there were only 15 minutes left before
Salat-ul Isha.

He quickly made Wudhu and performed Salat-ul Maghrib. While
making Tasbih, he again remembered his grandmother and was embarrassed by how
hehad prayed. His grandmother prayed with such tranquility and peace.

He began making Dua and went down to make Sajdah and stayed like that
for a while. He had been at school all day and was tired, so tired.

He awoke abruptly to the sound of noise and shouting. He was sweating
profusely. He looked around. It was very crowded. Every direction he
looked in was filled with people. Some stood frozen looking around, some were
running left and right and some were on their knees with their head s
intheir hands just waiting.

Pure fear and apprehension filled him as he realized where he was. His
heart was about to burst. It was the Day of Judgement. When he was
alive,he had heard many things about the questioning on the Day of
Judgement, but that seemed so long ago. Could this be something his mind made up? No,
the wait and the fear were so great that he could not have imagined this.

The interrogation was still going on. He began moving frantically from
people to people to ask if his name had been called. No one could
answer him. All of a sudden his name was called and the crowd split into two
and made a passageway for him.

Two angels grabbed his arms and led him forward. He walked with
unknowing eyes through the crowd. The angels brought him to the center and left
him there. His head was bent down and his whole life was passing in front
of his eyes like a movie. He opened his eyes but saw only another world.

The people were all helping others. He saw his father running from one
lecture to the other, spending his wealth in the way of Islam. His
mother invited guests to their house and one table was being set while the
other was being cleared. He pleaded his case, "I too was always on this
path. I helped others. I spread the word of Allah. I performed my Salah. I
fasted in the month of Ramadan. Whatever Allah ordered us to do, I did.
Whatever he ordered us not to do, I did not." He began to cry and think about
how much he loved Allah.

He knew that whatever he had done in life would be less than what
Allah deserved and his only protector was Allah. He was sweating like never
before and was shaking all over. His eyes were fixed on the scale,
waiting for the final decision. At last, the decision was made. The two angels
with sheets of paper in their hands, turned to the crowd.. His legs felt
likethey were going to collapse. He closed his eyes as they began to read
the names of those people who were to enter Jahannam.

His name was read first. He fell on his knees and yelled that this
couldn't be, "How could I go to Jahannam? I served others all my life, I spread
the word of Allah to others". His eyes had become blurry and he was
shaking with sweat. The two angels took him by the arms. As his feet dragged,
they went through the crowd and advanced toward the blazing flames of
Jahannam.

He was yelling and wondered if there was any person who was going to
help him. He was yelling of all the good deeds he had done, how he had
helped his father, his fasts, prayers, the Qur'an that he read, he was asking
if none of them would help him. The Jahannam angels continued to drag
him.

They had gotten closer to the Hellfire. He looked back and these were
his last pleas. Had not Rasulullah [saw] said, "How clean would a person
be who bathes in a river five times a day, so too does the Salah performed
five times cleanse someone of their sins"?

He began yelling, "My prayers? my prayers? my prayers." The two angels
did not stop, and they came to the edge of the abyss of Jahannam. The
flames of the fire were burning his face. He looked back one last time, but his
eyes were dry of hope and he had nothing left in him.

One of the angels pushed him in. He found himself in the air and
falling towards the flames. He had just fallen five or six feet when a hand
grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. He lifted his head and saw an old
man with a long white beard. He wiped some dust off himself and asked him,
"Who are you?" The old man replied, "I am your prayers". "Why are you so
late! I was almost in the Fire! You rescued me at the last minute before I
fell in".

The old man smiled and shook his head, "You always performed me at the
last minute, did you forget?" At that instant, he blinked and lifted his
head from Sajdah. He was in a sweat. He listened to the voices coming from
outside. He heard the adhan for Salat-ul Isha. He got up quickly and
wentto perform Wudhu.

The 202th

2009-03-09T21:30:00.001+08:00

For reasons either known or unknown, I'm feeling very lonely now. Maybe that's why I always prefer going out till wee hours of the night; I'm just a lonely kid.

Mental Polaroid

2009-03-09T16:19:00.002+08:00

In my mental polaroid, I have the pictures of my friends who mean more than the world to me.

In my mental polaroid, I have the pictures of my family.

In my mental polaroid, I have the memory of my past sins.

In my mental polaroid, I have the yearning to love my religion.

In my mental polaroid, I have the things my friends and I do that makes us closer.

In my mental polaroid, I have a blank autographed picture which says: "Thank you God for my family and friends."

I'm sorry, but my polaroid is not for sale.

p.s. Happy Birthday Prophet Muhammad s.a.w :)

Tale of Death and Desire

2009-03-06T19:30:00.002+08:00

Okay most people I've met this past week already know this but just to make it official, my laptop is dead. It can't be switched on. So there. I think the school can't repair it but I'll try asking, if not faris says I have to go all the way to Allexandra Road.

But despite my agony, I went for Live 'n' Loaded on Tuesday and it was awesome! Seriously, West Grand Boulevard was the bomb! I went with Ain and Ed. Ouh and I made a new friend I guess - Asyraf. Ouh and I also found out that I have a straight bus from Ang Mo Kio to my house: 22. But I took the train anyway since Ain was going the same direction. I dropped of at Toa Payoh and guess what? I missed the last '8' home but luckily there was '28' so I could drop of at Eunos to change to '60'. Okay I know the grueling details are redundant but yeah, the conclusion is: I had a great time at Live 'n' Loaded with Ain, Ed and Asyraf and West Grand Boulevard is the World's Greatest Band.

Anyway, I'm pretty excited to meet my mates tomorrow. I guess without my laptop, I'm pretty much dependant on other people for entertainment but that's not the only reason I'm excited. I kinda miss their silliness, funniness, awesomeness, etc. Yeah, this kind of people grow on you overtime. haha. I shall bring my guitar tomorrow and I shall have a short acoustic session with everyone. haha. Ouh! and next week I'm going jamming with Sheilah and hopefully Zulaiha (haven't asked her yet) and whoever wants to tag along. It's been a really long time since I entered that musty jamming studio located at a place only one bus service is available. Sometimes, I like feeling this excited, it reminds me of the fact that there is something to look forward to.

Bilakah Cinta itu Sempurna?

2009-02-28T22:28:00.001+08:00

After days of going out and spending my nights elsewhere before rushing to catch the last bus or train home, it's kinda nice to just lie here and listen to Yuna's voice. I really miss listening to her. I like her songs and how she sings because I feel like she really means what she sings, like she means what she writes. I like how her music isn't the normal loudness I listen too. In fact, her music calms me down a lot. It's for those days like today when I just lie down or sit in a corner cuddling my pillow with my laptop on my lap and it's raining outside. It just completes the day. I just feel relaxed for once, neither excited nor scared. Just... relaxed.

Beta Gusti Putera

2009-02-28T01:35:00.001+08:00

I've been practicing every now and then for the MLS FOC production. Really tough man the song but I shall try my best and push my limits. Furthermore, the other people were such carebears (i dont know why that popped up) because they kept assuring me that I could do it and telling me to just keep on practicing. Training was fun I guess as usual but I think I'm losing my stamina really fast. I think my stamina is very very bad already. We did the normal vocal warm ups and stretchings and I was sweating so much already. Seriously, two years ago I wouldn't be sweating as much doing warm ups. Oh well.

Ouh and the bunch of us went for Muzikarama auditions and I guess it was okay. It was the first time I learnt about Sub Text and I was lucky enough that my brain wasn't malfunctioning and I could apply it in the audition. Singing was crap though. I don't know why I sang 'My Hero' by Foo Fighters. And when they told me to try and bring the overall pitch up a notch, I cracked at the chorus. Ass sia. So embarassing can!! But it was okay lah. Haha I still remember how it started.

*a few moment's pause as I look at each of them and smiled before letting my eyes travel around the familiar room*

wano (i think): errr... start lah.
me: huh? ouh! dah boleh start eh? alamak sorry sorry. haha
zad (i think smiling while trying not to laugh): uh dah boleh. it's a own time own target thing.

selenger per! hahaha. aiyo. I kinda can't wait to get the results though. I hope I get through lah. Only God knows lah eh. So now I shall sleep and anticipate Sunday. :)

Freedom at Last

2009-02-25T21:15:00.000+08:00

The title says it all. After worrying and frightening and crying last night, I actually went for the IPRA exam just now and did the paper. It was okay. Ouh and I'm not kidding, I did cry. I know, I'm such a loser. There was this immense feeling of failure looming over me. I really felt like I was this lonely kindergarten kid who's lost his way. This brings me to one wish, I wish I had an elder brother. Hai.. but I guess I can't choose family.

Oh well, it's alright! I have wonderful friends. Everyone of them equates to one... no two reasons why I shouldn't quit school or commit suicide. =)

Back to being gusti putera now. heh.

I AM DEAD

2009-02-23T16:54:00.001+08:00

13 lectures to study by wednesday, 8am. GREAT! I attempted to study just now at 3 and I fell asleep. Good job hazwan! woohoo! You are so dead you wont even realise the car hitting you on wednesday. I have no choice but to try and not sleep for today and tomorrow. Finish as much as possible. Urgghhh. Stupid IPRA. You are so boring I fell asleep TRYING to study you.

I like

2009-02-21T00:38:00.001+08:00

P Ramlee The Musical (official)

Seriously good stuff. The Puteri Gunung Ledang also very good. =)

Post It

2009-02-19T12:42:00.000+08:00

Feeling a little down? Read me (:

Such a line also exists between hope and despair. Hope befits reason and rationale, while despair is utterly against it.

For instance, one may fail a test despite studying hard. Let’s assume that he has been shaken and fallen into despiar, since he worked so hard but still failed. He obviously does not benefit from such a mood and the ensuing distress and trouble harms his body and soul.

But in reality, Allah wills another good for him. Rather than attending college that year, it might be better for him to prepare for the entrance exam. Or perhaps his chosen college or profession could have become a source of trouble and hardship in his future life.

It may be that he will enter an even better college next year or choose a different profession which will be better for him in the future.

Throughout their lives, people encounter events that seem to serve no clear purpose:
They cannot get a job they like, lose some money they desperately need, lose something they cherish, or lose through theft possessions that they could buy only after years of hard work. Such events may happen to everyone.

Indeed, Allah makes it clear that poeple are tested by their souls and possessions. In one of his sayings, our Prophet (saas) made this clear:

Whatever Allah takes is for Him, and whatever He gives is for Him. Everything with Him has a limited fixed term (in this world), and so people should be patient and hope for Allah’s reward.

(Sahih Bukhari)

Thus, those who remain patient will attain good, whereas those who rebel and despair will lose.

It is vital to fully comprehend the importance of being hopeful and to be patient in order to gain Paradise. Being positive is obligatory, as the following verse shows:

Do not despair of solace from Allah. No one despairs of solace from Allah except for people who do not believe.

(Surah Yusuf : 87)

As Allah commands that we have this attitude, we must realize that He dislikes any type of despair. Thus, we must take Allah as our Friend and try to act according to His will.

[Excerpt from Harun Yahya's 'Hopefulness in the Qur'an']

Reflecting back, I realise things I initially thought were useless are incredibly useful now. I also realise that some things have not been given to me for very good reasons.

I also realise that the hard times I've gone through was a test of my faith in Him. It's not an easy road, to learn to depend entirely on Him, to really,truly put your wholehearted trust in Him, and to learn to be positive about choosing to do all that.

It involves a whole lot of pain and in most cases, a lot of sacrifices. Especially on the ego, and some 'basic human needs' (some Freudian theory thingy) (:

But that's just me. Maybe you'll learn to do so some other less painful way? Haha.

Just Trust Him (:

Wallahu'alam

Someone tagged me on that note on Facebook. I think it's useful. Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling down because of Economics yesterday. Actually I'm feeling kinda okay because it wasn't as horribly tough as I expected it to be. Therefore all I can do now is leave it to god because I know I tried my best to do the paper.

Anyway, this is a good note I think. People should read it and think hard. I mean if you're a muslim since this note is a muslim thing that involves Allah s.w.t.

Lepak Sessions

2009-02-16T12:51:00.001+08:00

Yesterday I went for lepak session with Yusuf AGAIN at bedok macdonalds. Dah macam takde rumah sia aku. Anyway, I attempted to study there but nothing was done as usual. Haha! But okay lah, the lepak session removed some stress factors. hahah. I missed the last 60 from bedok though so I had to take 24 to Masjid Darul-Aman and cross over to Eunos Interchange to wait for the last 60 from Eunos. I got home at like 1 plus. WOAH. So the minute I got home and changed, I started studying and it took me awhile to finish chapter 7. I woke this morning to memorise the last few pages of Gross Domestic Production. -_- Okay shall continue to study Econs now. pfft.

OH MY GOD

2009-02-14T13:26:00.001+08:00

I can't believe I'm gonna miss Cesspit performing, AGAIN. Seriously, I hate it when it's the exam period and you totally have no life because you're like studying everyday. It's like mini 'O' Levels every semester. It sucks. As if it's not enough, on Feb 19th I think I have to give the Bushmen gig a pass also because I have to start on IPRA. URGHHHH. I have a feeling I won't be taking the certificate in digital film. See how. If I can then I take I guess but if my GPA like 3.0 again, might as well I don't take. I wanna get a higher GPA not lower. And with that certificate I will have less time and I won't be able to go to more gigs. God damn pissed me off lah. And I'm like in panic mode because in awhile I'm going to my cousin's wedding but I haven't started chapter 7. I'm so not gonna sleep tonight till I finish that chapter so that I can start on chapter 8 tomorrow. I really have no choice. Pfft. I HATE YOU ECONS AND I HATE YOU EXAMS.

Silence, A Baby's Cry Fades Out

2009-02-11T14:45:00.001+08:00

I really don't know what to say now. So much happiness lost in one moment. I don't know what to say now because I really don't understand. I don't understand why. I swear for a moment, I almost...

Anyway, a moment of silence please for Yusuf's third nephew, Muhamed Adam bin Muhamed Iskandar (09/09/2008 - 10/02/2009). At least now his brother has company up there.

I hope Yusuf finds peace soon enough.

screening is anal

2009-02-09T22:46:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how tears fall and dry up so fast. It's amazing how much a hug can mean to someone. It's also amazing how months of hardwork didn't even see daylight. The afternoon nap just now made me forget about it for awhile but seriously, I'm freaking depressed. All that work and it wasn't even screened. It bugs me that there wasn't a sympathetic apology either. I was so depressed I didn't eat until I reached home.

Have you ever felt so excited for something that you smile a little wider as the time comes closer? You take a little bit more time to look better, make sure you didn't forget anything and you keep on messaging your friend(s) about it. Now let me ask you guys another question, have you ever felt that excitement or happiness being sucked out so fast it barely leaves you time to breath and all that's left is just a black hole? That was exactly what happened in that crowded lecture theatre seemingly full of satisfied people, except for three groups.

I feel like the whole project was pointless. And don't even talk to me about grades because it won't matter if our film receives an A when only about three people watched it. It's like baking a cake for the rubbish bin, it'll just rot anyway. I couldn't cry because I know it won't help but I wanted to so badly. It hurts a lot to see one of your close friends cry too. I found myself so devoid of the ability to console her because I can't lie. I just can't. I can't tell her that it's okay because it's not. I can't tell her that we can probably have another screening because I doubt there will be any for 3 films. I can't tell her that everyone will come down because I doubt people care. I doubt people would come to school just to watch 3 films. Admit it people, you wouldn't unless it's your own or your classmate's.

I'm so dejected now. I wanted so much to swear at that lecturer in black who kept making stupid comments. Seriously, stop trying to be the 'Simon' because it's irritating. And it doesn't help that you kept asking stupid questions that wasted the screening time. However, the presentation part was all the lecturer's fault. It didn't make sense because when the groups went up to present about their films, they basically repeated what the film was showing. We're not blind and you wasted time that costs the hardwork of three production teams. 1 team = 4 people = 7+ minutes film = a month or more of hardwork. Seriously, I am really disappointed that nothing was done for the three production teams. There were no credits, no information on what the hell the three films were about, nothing. Just "we are out of time and we can't show the other three films because there will be an exam going on in this lecture theatre at 2 blahblahblah..."

I really don't know what to say. I'm so disappointed and depressed. This just has to happen a day before I have to start studying for my major exams. This just has to happen. I'm not happy and don't try to cheer me up, only the two other production teams and my own can understand how I feel. Denjamin died before he even lived. We may be anal, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve to be credited for our hardwork.

For now, I am Muhammad Abidin and I am not happy with the world.

Late Night Cigarettes

2009-02-07T23:21:00.001+08:00

Yes! I accomplished one of my holiday goals already (I know the official holiday hasn't even started yet)! Yesterday, I went to Wahidah's house for a sleepover/beeeelated birthday party. Coincidentally, it's her mum's birthday also. WOW! She has the same birthday as my dad (we reached her house after 12am so that means her mum's birthday is on the 7th). I really enjoyed the whole thing actually. Even though we didn't do much, I enjoyed being around some of my favourite people in the world. Practically, all we did was just walk and talk and sit and play tai ti or some other card games and smoke and talk and walk. The combinations can go on but I think you guys get what I mean. People started to fall asleep on park benches like around 5am though. Haha! When me, Wahidah and Eugene were tired of playing cards (Daryl was with us but he decided to sleep too), I woke all of them up. I think I have some sort of a skill at waking people up. Sammy couldn't wake them up when she tried before she fell asleep but I "woke them up like daisies"! haha! It was a nice break after what seemed like endless stress lah. We got back to Wawa's house at about 6+am and most of us slept. I woke up at 1pm.

Wahidah's family and bibik were nice too. Great hospitality. The food was nice and I can't believe we broke 2 glasses. HAHA! I also can't believe I slept most of today away. After doing the IPRA report using Wawa's lappie, I found a nice spot on the floor, hugged a pillow and slept. I actually woke up close to 7pm.

I can still remember the day when I first entered poly. I thought I would have trouble making friends for some reason or get close to anyone in class. Now look who've I've made friends with. Haha! Really thankful to god for meeting such people.

On a very random note, I think I'm starting to feel the stereotypes on me. Am I stupid and useless because I smoke? Am I made to be a criminal because I smoke? Am I a bad friend because I smoke? I forgot why such questions popped up in my head but yeah, people shouldn't think that all smokers are dumb, unfriendly and backstabbing criminals.

Wawa, I still owe you a present. HAHA!

If it Were

2009-02-04T18:03:00.001+08:00

If it were up to me, I would have quit school.
If it were up to me, I would have made dreams come true with a snap of my fingers.
If it were up to me, I would give everyone receive an award for not committing suicide.
If it were up to me, I would make everyone pick one character and stick with it.
If it were up to me, I would give everyone wings to fly.
If it were up to me, I would leave it all to oneself to choose their destiny.

But it's not up to me, it's up to god. God please save me and give me strength to continue in school, for my own good in the future, for my parent's sake, for all the trouble I've caused getting an education.

In Question to

2009-01-30T23:41:00.001+08:00

Okay my blog poster wasn't working properly so... I'll just continue here.

Woah! I wanted to write just a normal blog post but this just came out. Haha! It's a wonderful feeling to get inspired and just keep on taking it out by writing (or whatever it is you guys do to make use of that inspiration). Like I said in my previous (previous) entry, I've not written a story for quite awhile so I'm glad one finally came out.

Okay actually, I wanted to blog about the normal things going through my head.

1) I know I'm gonna do badly for my Adobe Flash test.
2) I wonder when Irwan is going to get married (he is already 28).
3) I wonder if Irwan is even still attached.
4) If the answer for (3) is 'no', then I hope he gets one fast because I think he's of the right age to get married already.

Yeap, that was what I was going to blog about; just normal stuff going through my head. But I guess inspiration strikes at random. Ouh and guess what? I got inspired when I was thinking about (2) to (4) and the 'tick tock tick tock' thing came up. Go figure! ahaha!