Can you hear that?

Typewriter

16:41 - “To those who leave their homes in the cause of Allah, after suffering oppression, We will assuredly give a goodly home in this world: but truly the reward of the Hereafter will be greater. If they only knew!”

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

May I Be Given Time / 11:46 PM

Bismillah

First of all, let's start with where I went today. I went East Coast Park with a couple of my all time bgss friends. Thank god for them because I think I might have already forgotten how to pray. The same goes for my SP friends, for example Syafiq. He has been a lot of help to me about religion. Thanks. Okay anyway, we just ate at the East Coast Park coffee shop near the wakeboarding place and chatted. We met Luqman (Maiza's boyfriend) also. He's a friendly dude uh although he was a bit shy I think when taking pictures and all. He reminds me of me when I first joined SSP.

Anyway, I just wanted to say at this point, how proud I am of Hairoon Nisha Bte Abdul Wahab for learning how to pray. I'm even proud of her for the fact that she put in 100% effort. Also, she hasn't neglected her prayers ever since she started. She actually took a taxi to pasir ris mosque when she didn't know where the nearest mosque was. How many of you people who've been taught to pray since young but didn't know the nearest place to pray, would actually take a cab there? Seriously, my god sister, I'm very proud of you. And this achievement of yours has actually helped me in a sense. Thank you.

Okay, this blog and post is just me talking to myself actually so don't be weirded out if it's a little to religious or anything. If you don't want to read, it's okay, I'm not forcing you.

So let's start this little post of mine with a video I found.

what it takes

Masya'allah.

Believe me, I'm sure she herself knows, Islam is more than that. It takes much much more than that. But I am glad to tears that I found this video (partly thanks to Mahirah - thank you!). These past few days, I've not been praying again. Call it laziness, call it complacency or call it whatever you want but the face is that I didn't pray and I don't think I felt that guilty until now. Sometimes I question why am I a Muslim. Why was I chosen to be borned into a Muslim family? Why are the hurdles I face sometimes seems too dificult or is a lot more difficult than other people? How much of me is a Muslim? How much am I willing to give for my religion? And the best question of all: Am I even in love with Allah s.w.t, His religion, His teachings and His prophets?

It's not that I'm not happy being a muslim. I am. But not because I see the true greatness of my own religion. I don't know if the amount of faith in me would be equal to the weight of a chicken sometimes. At the beginning of 2008, I vowed to pray more but to no avail. Yes, I have been praying more than I always do but it's not enough. I feel like I pray only when I am able to pray. I feel like I am not willing to sacrifice anything for just that 10 minutes time with god every few hours or so.

I know this might sound ridiculous to some, but I feel like the more I pray, the more I feel lost. I feel like I'm more lost than before. I feel like I don't know why I pray (which is true). I feel like religion is something new to me. I don't even know the meaning of the doas and surahs I read or recite. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm worthy enough to claim myself a muslim. Sometimes I think I'm as bad as those people who admit they are of a certain religion but they do everything forbidden by that religion.

Ya Allah, please help me. I want to find the love for Your religion. I want to regain my child-like innocence towards Your religion. I want to feel like nothing else mattered as much as my religion. Please, if I was ever truely in love with You, Your religion, Your teachings, Your prophets, Your holy book (the Quran), please let me fall in love again. Please allow me Your blessings and Your guidance and give me time. Enough time for me to let go of all my past sins and slowly regain my vision of Your holy embrace.

At this point, I do not want to merely blame the demons for causing my sins because I believe that they are just there to tempt but not to force. I made the choice and I shall pay the price. I just hope I have time to be a better Muslim before my time comes. Insya'allah.

Alhamdulillah. I've not been saying that a lot (other than when I sneeze). Alhamdulillah syukur Ya Allah. You have given me friends to guide me and hurdles that will help me in my search for my inner muslim.

Jazakallah Khair my friends and thank you if you've read this far.