Can you hear that?

Typewriter

16:41 - “To those who leave their homes in the cause of Allah, after suffering oppression, We will assuredly give a goodly home in this world: but truly the reward of the Hereafter will be greater. If they only knew!”

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

In the Eyes of A Squirrel Mind / 2:20 PM

I have so many things I need to let out and right now I don't care what people think of me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't want any friends (either because I deserve them or they don't deserve my empathy, sympathy or patience).
Sometimes I think I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm not afraid of dying.
Sometimes I feel like falling off the face of the Earth.
Sometimes I shudder at the thought of reincarnations (lucky I don't believe in them).
Sometimes I can't wait to get married.
Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone at all.
Sometimes I feel I was borned into the wrong family.
Sometimes I hate my family.
Sometimes I hate my existence.
Sometimes the things I love, I'll try to stay away from because it hurts a lot.
Sometimes I don't believe in love.
Sometimes I wanna die.

Stupid emo fags. I think they're starting to get to me or maybe I'm just naturally like this. Maybe I'm going through a phase. I don't care anymore. My life is an empty void if not for certain people. People - is that what my life is all about? It sucks to think that happiness is tied to people who could leave you at any moment. At this point, I feel like I'm ready to leave anyone before they leave me but I'm not looking to end any friendships. I still wish all of us could grow old together (such a cliche dream but yet so rare to find).

I really think I would only cry on my death day because it physically hurts. I feel like I don't want to have anything to do with this world anymore. The only reason that's stopping me from commiting suicide is because my religion doesn't allow it (yes, I still love my religion) and because I have too many sins I need more time to erase. I don't know why I'm feeling like this but I really don't care. It's as if some form of enlightenment decend upon me when I'm not asking for it. Death would be the day I'll be temporarily liberated. That is why I don't fancy the thought of reincarnations. At the age of 17 and I can't stand anything anymore. If I have to go through it over and over again, I'd freeze myself so I won't have to live life.

Love - it's considered an apple word to me now. I don't see the value of that word anymore. It's like saying I love the smell of roses. If you love it so much, are you willing to sacrifice everything for it? If the rose is willing to give you it's scent, are you willing to give it your voice? (Adapted from "Conference of the Birds"). I am so sick of seeing or hearing about couple stuff from people of my age or younger. Maybe there are some true cases of love where they are willing of sacrificing everything but they're rare. Everyone around me, only some of them have proven this. What the hell is the point of getting into a relationship you know will end in a few months or so? Get a fucking life. Sometimes I think they're so 'lonely' that they have to pick off everyone on the face of the Earth like plucking petals of a flower and tell each one they love them. Oh wait, I don't think any of them are genuinely 'lonely'. If I become a homicidal maniac vent on removing all forms of relationships that I stereotypically judge as 'fake' of people ages 13 - 19, I'd blame everyone around me. I'd blame myself for not doing it earlier. I've only been single for 17 years and I already can't stand relationships. Just shut up and die. Don't bother to tell me anything about it anymore because I won't care. If you do tell me about it and ask me for advice, I might still give you as good an advice i can master but if you still choose to ignore it and act all snobbish after wasting my fucking time, I will yell and yell loudly. Don't expect me to even look at your pathetic face in the future either.

On a slightly lighter note, congrats Edwin, Wahida, Yusof, Sammy and Nicholas for being 5 of the top 10 for DVPA. It's so strange how Wahidah expresses what I feel inside almost accurately even though the story isn't about me (with a little difference here and there of course), especially when I'm the main and only character in that story. I don't think everyone doesn't love me, I just question if I want to be loved when I don't find the word a significance anymore.

Labels: personal