tears are meant for losers, like me. / 7:25 PM

The train ride home from dover today was a good one. I cried. Call me emotional once again, but I like the feeling you get when you cry. I spent the whole trip home thinking of stuff that happened in my life. Some of which I don't think I can ever correct. Once again, I turned to god to guide me through this roller coaster ride of emotions. I;m still contemplating over some stuff. And one of the hot topics in my head seems to be my road to becoming a father. Yes, I know I'm still too young to think of this or be one but I still do. I realised today that I am not such a fussy person, meaning even if I'm rich I wont spent it much on my personal desires. I think most probably, I'd be working hard for my family because I don't want my kids to miss out on anything. I mean, most parents want the best for their children. I wanna be a good dad and a good husband. Just like "abang arip" in Sayang si Montel.

There is another thing going on in my mind though. Something noone knows, at all. There's this itch on the back of my mind that has been bothering me for quite awhile. I think it mght have affected my development as a child. I have this guilt over something that happened and I can't seem to solve this problem any other way than to forget about it. Somehow I shall try. Oh well, I guess I'll be the one to face it, to solve it and to know if it all works out.

For the record, I do have other wants in my life. But somehow, I can't stop thinking of the future. I can't stop propelling myself into the what ifs and ever afters. Hmm.. lets see. What do I want? At this very moment I can only think of a few; I want to be a good father and husband in the future, possibly get married by 27, have 3 kids, get my dream career (whatever that is, I can't seem to figure out yet), be married to someone I'm hopelessly in love with to the point I'd wait 14 years for her. See what I mean by propelling myself into the future? But right now, that seems to be the only things that matter to me aside from my closest friends and family.

Farhana, I hope both of us will be alive when we tie the knot with whoever we are meant to be with because you and Nisha are the people I really want to be at my wedding. And I hope I get to shed tears of joy with you when it happens for you too.

Sayang si Montel is such a good movie. I've been touched on an emotional level I never knew I was worthy enough to reach.